Pity the Rich

The Daily Droid gets scores of letters from the very wealthy, bemoaning the fact that they are constantly belittled in this blog. "Hey Droid," starts one of them angrily, "we are people too! It's not our fault we're rich. Cut us, do we not bleed?" To see, I asked one of my wealthy friends to cut himself. He balked at first, but then when I said I would pay him he relented and, waddya know--he bled! That little experiment changed my attitude, and since then I have taken to solving the problems for which the rich seek answers. A few examples follow:

Dear Droid: My husband and I are celebrating the purchase of our new yacht with a maiden voyage and party for 50 of our closest friends. I think we should start with an appetizer of Shaved Pig's Head artfully presented with braised red cabbage, sauce gribiche and grilled brioche. My husband says this will offend our rabbi, and suggests instead a platter of Miso Salmon Tartare with a sesame chile dressing and cucumber yuzu slaw. My feeling is that, since we are Jewish, the salmon tartare could come off like lox trying to pass as goyish sophistication. What do you think?-- Closet Jew, Newport, RI

Dear Closet: You are right! Any shred of salmon, smoked or otherwise, on your table, and before you know it, people are humming the score from "Fiddler on the Roof." Steer clear of that nightmare with a simple, though still artfully displayed, platter of Smoked Trout Panna Cotta with citrus creme fraiche and steelhead trout caviar and fennel crisps. And about the boat: Mazel tov! 

Dear Droid: Besides our unbelievably huge contributions to several charities, we also give generously to our community, expecting nothing in return except maybe a little recognition once in a while. Our planned donation of five million dollars will build the new psychiatric wing at the local hospital; is it asking too much that they name it after us? We have been told it would not set the right tone.--Mr. & Mrs. Lewnybin, Irvine, CA

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lewnybin: I see their point. Perhaps you could earmark your donation for another branch of medicine that would better reflect your surname. Perhaps The Lewnybin Plastic Surgery Center. It fairly sings.

Dear Daily: My husband and I are planning a six-month world tour, and I'm wondering how to pack lightly since our jet, while roomy, has a relatively meager cargo space. Should I limit myself to just one mink? How many dozen boots and shoes? And how much staff is considered appropriate? Your help would be appreciated. --Mrs. D. Trump, FL

Dear Mrs. Trump: Silly you! Don't pack anything, just shop as you go and leave the extra clothes in your hotel rooms. Those chambermaids will appreciate it. As for staff, leave them home--there will be plenty of underlings to do your bidding along the way.

Dear Droid: I think our maid is stealing from us, but I can't be sure. We pay her minimum wage and give her a nice Kwanzaa bonus every year, but still she's always complaining that her children have no shoes. (Boo-hoo--did we tell her to get pregnant at 16?) Anyway, would it be wrong to install hidden cameras throughout our mansion so we could see what she does when we're not around? --Suspicious in Shaker Heights, OH

Dear Suspicious: These days you can't be too careful no matter what your income, so I recommend hidden cameras for everyone. If you want to do it yourself, there are many fine kits available, allowing you to hide cameras in just about anything--alarm clocks, coffee pots, and of course, nestled among the family jewels. For tips, I suggest renting "Meet the Parents," which features hidden surveillance cameras placed by a rich guy to watch anything and everything that goes on in his home. Starring Robert DeNiro and Ben Stiller, it's funny too.