Planned Grandparenthood

As I do from time to time for a good laugh, I recently purchased the February issue of Prevention magazine, one of the rare issues without Michelle Obama on the cover. Intrigued by how I could lose up to eight pounds in three days, and definitely interested in how to make myself heart-attack proof, what sealed the deal was the cover line, "Sexier at Every Age." Hey, who doesn't need help in that department, I asked myself. Once home, the groceries put away, I turned to the article, hoping I could accomplish whatever I needed to by the time my husband got home from work. "A sparkling sex life is something we'd all like to have, regardless of age," it began promisingly. The author went on to describe the advantages and the challenges of "having a sex life that soars" in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.....the end. WTF?

I am in my 60s, so I guess those bratty Prevention editors assume I'm either dead or on life support. But hey--cut me, do I not bleed? I'm still here. How rude--not to mention disheartening. I was wondering how to break the bad news to my husband, until  this morning when I read that the Senate is about to vote on contraception. Huh? Apparently, Democrats argue that access to contraception is a basic right! As such, the current administration seeks to include coverage of contraception as part of all health insurance plans. Well, why stop there, I wondered; what about us aging baby boomers? What are we, chopped liver all of a sudden? In fairness to all, I think the government should insist that health insurance companies also cover the following necessary expenses:
1. Unlimited tubes of K-Y jelly
2. A reasonable number of scented candles per household per month
3. Wine, whiskey, port, or whatever it takes, in whatever quantities
3. Satin sheets, one set per household per annum
4. "Al Green: The Love Songs Collection" boxed set (Available for $13.99 plus S & H)
5. Medical marijuana brownies (Sugar-free and gluten-free when applicable)
6. DVDs of "Last Tango in Paris" and "Unfaithful"
7. Blindfolds

Should the insurance companies balk, they need only be reminded that us geezers no longer require contraception or abortions. Think of the savings.

Elective Surgery: Doctors Have to Eat Too!

A rotator cuff tear is a common cause of pain and disability among adults. It will definitely weaken your shoulder, making many daily activities, like combing your hair or getting dressed, slightly painful and difficult to do. You could choose to live with this pain or shave your head or join a nudist colony, or you could hire a surgeon to rip open your shoulder and put in some pins and sew it up, and then it will be excruciatingly painful and completely useless for many months, until some time in the future when it might get better. By then something else will hurt, however, since bodies do tend to fall apart eventually, especially if you use them a lot.

You'd think that with about 40,000 rotator cuff surgeries being performed in the United States each year, there must be solid medical evidence supporting the effectiveness of that treatment. However, not so. Actually, more than 150 published medical papers conclude there is "no solid evidence that rotator cuff surgery benefited patients more than no surgery." (Please do not tell my husband about this.)

However, despite the absence of any published papers in medical journals, we can certainly all agree that rotator cuff surgery benefits the surgeons greatly.  In fact, the smartest boy in my high school class, our valedictorian, became an orthopedic surgeon in Salt Lake City, giving him unlimited access to all those athletic skiers and snowboarders and hikers, each with a couple of shoulders, not to mention hips and knees, needing repair. Last I heard he had moved to Moab, probably plugging into all those rock climbers and mountain bikers....ouch!

So if you want your kids to make a lot of money to pay off their school loans, have them become orthopedic surgeons. After all, those aging baby boomers--there are about 75 million of them alive today-- have two shoulders apiece, and that is a whole heck of a lot of shoulders.