When Hurricanes Kill

That mean old Hurricane Irene, a killer storm that, according to reporters who all use the same thesaurus, has been churning and roaring up the East Coast for days, is now on the wane after allegedly causing the deaths of many people.

In defense of Mother Nature, I ask--how exactly does a hurricane kill? Let us count the ways:

1. A sleeping child in Virginia was crushed by a tree crashing through the roof of his house.
2. A N. Carolina passenger died in a car crash at an intersection where traffic lights were out.
3. A N. Carolina man walking about in the storm was crushed by a flying tree limb.
4. A passenger died in a car crushed by a falling tree in Virginia.
5. A S. Carolina man had a heart attack while boarding up his windows in the storm.
6. A Florida surfer drowned in heavy waves.

Not to be too nit-picky, but it seems to me that all those deaths were suicides, except for the sleeping child. As for the surfer, rescuers aren’t sure if the blow to his head that did him in was from his surfboard of if he hit the bottom of the ocean floor; either way, it clearly was not the hurricane that killed him. Just like guns don't kill people, hurricanes rarely come after you. They do blow things around and make things fall over, but since Man comes equipped with two eyes and hurricanes only have one, we can be tricky and hide from them. So what I plan to do, as I sit in the path of that oncoming killer storm, is to stay inside. (I wish my parents were alive so I could remind them of when they sent me out into Hurricane Donna. Bet they'd be sorry.)

Another Natural Disaster Heading to D.C.

There's a hurricane a-comin' and it looks big, like maybe it will be a terrible disaster and wreak havoc and cause power outages and make people keep their TVs on 24/7, which of course is what the weather people hope for, live for and dream about. This could be the "worst storm in decades" according to The Weather Channel. People are being evacuated up and down the East Coast! States are being declared disaster areas even before the first raindrop hits the ground! It might rain a lot in our nation's capital!

Along with Hurricane Irene come many questions, the most pressing one being, "Do we have enough toilet paper to last the storm?" What is the driving force behind people flocking to their local supermarkets for the stuff--could it be all that talk of evacuation? And how little toilet paper do most people stock in good weather that they will run out in a day or two? And again I must ask, why do they show bears using toilet paper in advertising? But the most important question of all is how is it possible that Governor Rick Perry, of dubious moral character by the looks of him, is already the leading Republican candidate?

Talk about your disaster areas: Irene will pass in a day or two, but the President blows hot air around for at least four years.