Film Review: EVAN ALMIGHTY

I just saw one of the worst movies ever and I'm betting none of you saw it, because surely it was a flop in the theaters five years ago and now it's even worse on TV, edited to fit in commercials for flooded basements and personal injury lawyers. I should be ashamed to admit that I watched it all, having no other pressing diversion but online Scrabble. I had just finished painting the living room, and there was that big old TV sitting there, and watching the news seemed too depressing, so I just kept clicking until I came to a movie on Channel 217 that was just starting, which is always a bonus since then you don't have to try to figure out what's happening. Plus it starred Steve Carell who is a riot on the "The Office," everyone would agree.

But it also starred Morgan Freeman--is there any movie he is not in?-- who I know is quite popular but who makes me ill. He plays God in Evan Almighty. One morning God shows up on Steve Carell's front lawn--he's Evan-- and tells him to build an ark because there will be a flood on a certain date. Next thing you know Evan's beard grows quite long and he can't shave it despite several attempts; eventually it turns white. His alarm clock goes off every morning at 6:14, leading him to read Genesis 6:14 which is the passage in the Bible about building an ark. Lumber is mysteriously delivered to his home. God sends Evan a special robe to wear and before you can say "Here's your hat, what's your hurry," hundreds of animals -- in pairs naturally -- arrive in his backyard, which luckily is about the size of Texas even though it's supposed to be in suburban Virginia. I mean, we are talking elephants and lions and tigers and bears; think San Diego Zoo plus the African savanna.

For sub-plot, as if you needed more, there is politics: Evan is a newly elected congressman under the wing of an evil fat cat played by John Goodman who is skimming money off of federally-funded projects, one of which is a dam that bursts and causes the very flood that threatens to drown everyone. Luckily they have this handy ark to save them. Also, thanks to the whole ark-building project, which we see in quick slapstick shots of monkeys using hammers and giraffes reaching the tall spots, Evan finally spends quality time with his wife and three kids, which turns out to be the reason for the whole thing, Evan having prayed to make his family life happier.

It's not funny, it's not believable, and it also features the annoyingly horrible Wanda Sykes, just so there's a black lesbian on board. (Every boat's gotta have one of those.) The ending credits were the most creative part, which tells you that at least they all knew it was bad and desperately tried to make up for it in the last four minutes.

In the final scene God writes the letters A, R, and K in the sand and Evan finally gets it: Act of Random Kindness! Oh please. My ARK for today is writing this review.

Film Review: RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Choosing today, a rainy Sunday, for one of our rare trips to the movies, my husband and I saw the latest blockbuster movie raking in dough for its producers. Even though the popcorn wasn't great and the theater smelled sort of funny, we were not disappointed: Rise of the Planet of the Apes grabbed us from the first frame, and we stayed pretty much grabbed until the final credits. It's not all just monkey business, however, so leave the little kids at home. Besides the intense violence and considerable bloodshed, most of which I missed because my hands were over my eyes, there's a tearjerker of a script that is heartbreaking, having to do with letting go of your children and watching your parents die. I saw the film two hours ago and I'm still sniffling.

It's all about an adorable baby chimp that grows into a not so adorable and very pissed-off ape, capable of despicable deeds and yet with a heart as big as Texas, reminding us that the movie was made in Hollywood after all. Despite all the phony baloney, of which there is plenty, you buy into it because so much of what transpires is true: Money-grubbing pharmaceutical companies really do render animals helpless and perform hideous experiments on them, all for man's benefit. Manufactured weapons really do allow us to dominate creatures that are naturally stronger and more powerful than we are. Animals are kept caged in zoos across America, living wasted lives of quiet desperation, all for man's enjoyment. It's tough to watch. I'm pretty sure I am now a vegetarian.

The fun part is the ape prison break, during which the hateful human guard who enjoys torturing our hero finally gets his comeuppance via a water hose. Free at last, all the computer-generated monkeys storm the Golden Gate Bridge on their way to eternal peace and happiness in the great outdoors, intent on climbing those giant redwoods in the California sunshine--at least those who aren't killed by San Francisco's finest shooting at them from helicopters. When it comes right down to it, apes are just like people: All they really want is to have a nice day.