Film Review: EVAN ALMIGHTY

I just saw one of the worst movies ever and I'm betting none of you saw it, because surely it was a flop in the theaters five years ago and now it's even worse on TV, edited to fit in commercials for flooded basements and personal injury lawyers. I should be ashamed to admit that I watched it all, having no other pressing diversion but online Scrabble. I had just finished painting the living room, and there was that big old TV sitting there, and watching the news seemed too depressing, so I just kept clicking until I came to a movie on Channel 217 that was just starting, which is always a bonus since then you don't have to try to figure out what's happening. Plus it starred Steve Carell who is a riot on the "The Office," everyone would agree.

But it also starred Morgan Freeman--is there any movie he is not in?-- who I know is quite popular but who makes me ill. He plays God in Evan Almighty. One morning God shows up on Steve Carell's front lawn--he's Evan-- and tells him to build an ark because there will be a flood on a certain date. Next thing you know Evan's beard grows quite long and he can't shave it despite several attempts; eventually it turns white. His alarm clock goes off every morning at 6:14, leading him to read Genesis 6:14 which is the passage in the Bible about building an ark. Lumber is mysteriously delivered to his home. God sends Evan a special robe to wear and before you can say "Here's your hat, what's your hurry," hundreds of animals -- in pairs naturally -- arrive in his backyard, which luckily is about the size of Texas even though it's supposed to be in suburban Virginia. I mean, we are talking elephants and lions and tigers and bears; think San Diego Zoo plus the African savanna.

For sub-plot, as if you needed more, there is politics: Evan is a newly elected congressman under the wing of an evil fat cat played by John Goodman who is skimming money off of federally-funded projects, one of which is a dam that bursts and causes the very flood that threatens to drown everyone. Luckily they have this handy ark to save them. Also, thanks to the whole ark-building project, which we see in quick slapstick shots of monkeys using hammers and giraffes reaching the tall spots, Evan finally spends quality time with his wife and three kids, which turns out to be the reason for the whole thing, Evan having prayed to make his family life happier.

It's not funny, it's not believable, and it also features the annoyingly horrible Wanda Sykes, just so there's a black lesbian on board. (Every boat's gotta have one of those.) The ending credits were the most creative part, which tells you that at least they all knew it was bad and desperately tried to make up for it in the last four minutes.

In the final scene God writes the letters A, R, and K in the sand and Evan finally gets it: Act of Random Kindness! Oh please. My ARK for today is writing this review.