Vote for Me, Just for Fun

I've heard it said by those bemoaning the poor pickings among Republican presidential candidates that what this country needs is an "Iron Lady," a term given to strong-willed female heads of government the world over. Since Michele Bachmann is the only female in the race and she wears ridiculously clown-like false eyelashes which have no purpose other than attracting a mate and she's already married, she does not fit the bill. Thus, due in part to my husband's deep-seated belief that I should be president, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring.

I know what you're thinking: "But Andrea, you are totally ignorant of history, American and otherwise!" I raised that very same objection, but Mitch insisted that it's not a requirement of the job. I also reminded him that I always lose at Risk, and again he scoffed, assuring me I'd be much more careful about where I placed my armies if they were real people instead of those little pink plastic pieces. (I am always pink.) And so, with decision time drawing near, I hereby present my platform:

As president, I will lower taxes and provide affordable health care for every citizen--don't ask how. I will improve all the schools, raise the pay for teachers, and of course bail out all failing banks and pay everyone's mortgages. I will improve the quality of life by ending illegal immigration and raising the minimum wage, while at the same time extending unemployment benefits through eternity, even though I will create so many jobs it's not funny and everyone who wants one will have one. While I'm at it, I will also end hunger and despair and get Conan O'Brien off TV once and for all. (Remember Keith Olbermann?)

During my administration, nobody will suffer the heartbreak of psoriasis; in fact, all skin disorders will be outlawed entirely. To compensate for their low self-esteem in our image-based culture, the obese will receive monthly discount coupons good at all fast-food restaurants. The terms "senior citizens," "seniors," and "aging boomers" will be prohibited by law, replaced with the terms "grown-ups," "wise folks," and "cool dudes." The voting age will be raised to 21, the driving age will be raised to 22, and all those grown-ups, wise folks and cool dudes who can no longer see over the steering wheel will lose their licenses.

No new snack foods will be brought to market during my term. Anyone caught eating Fritos, Doritos, Bugles, Cheetos, Cheezits, Combos, Pringles, Sno-Balls, Devil Dogs (sorry Melva), Twizzlers and Mike & Ike's will suffer the consequences. All movie theaters will cease and desist from selling food or drink. (FYI, there will be absolutely no talking once the opening credits have begun. ) Anyone can marry anyone but divorce will be against the law. Catholic priests will be required to have lawn signs declaring they are Catholic priests. Naturally--this almost goes without saying--marijuana will be legal to smoke, sell, grow, eat, or what have you, and anyone caught puffing a nicotine cigarette will be publicly scorned on a new TV show called, "No Kidding--You Still Smoke?"

I promise that on my Inauguration Day, all Coca-Cola manufacturing plants will cease production, the American Embassy in Israel will move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and a Super Safeway will open in downtown Detroit. The next day, Air Force One will be retired to the Air & Space Museum in Washington, D. C. and the decoy Air Force One will be installed as a ride at Disney World in Orlando.  As to our foreign policy, a simple rule will apply, much like you see at work in bakeries and delis all over the country: Take A Number. (Details TBA.) How will I accomplish all this, you wonder?  Through hope and change: I am hoping that everything bad will change for the better after I take office.

Don't laugh--it worked for Obama. See you at the polls...