The Christmas Letter

Some people are so self-absorbed that they send out letters at Christmas detailing the past year of their lives. Like we care. (Anyone who does care already knows what happened to you.) I have gotten such letters from adventurous types detailing their climbing expeditions in foreign lands and from stay-at-homers describing every contraction leading up to their new baby. They are equally noxious, although the former might pass along a nugget of information that makes the reading worthwhile. These letters have fallen off in recent years, mostly due to my continual purging of selfish friends. However, one or two still sneak in, and today's mail brought a new low in such matters, wherein the purchase of a van and the joining of the local Y were both deemed worthy of sharing with everyone on their holiday list; for that, the sender must be mocked. I have never written such a letter, but if I did, it might look like this:

Dear Friends, Co-workers, Neighbors and Passers-By,
     Like all the others before it, this year was spent battling existential despair, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with my time here on Earth. Fortunately I endured less than 1% of 2011 in a shopping mall, and that was only because Mitch had to go to the Apple store for a computer repair, and it's at Maine Mall. We got out of there fast but not without a stop at Auntie Anne's pretzels. I got a plain one, doing the least amount of dietary damage.
     Our dog Rufus died last February, which was without a doubt among the most depressing events of my life, mostly because he did not really die but rather was put to death by our vet, who was only following our orders. Okay, he had diabetes and was headed for a downward spiral leading nowhere fast, but still, it sucked having to coax him into the car under the pretense of "a ride" and ending up...well, you see where I'm going with this. We keep his ashes in an urn on a shelf next to those of our other dead dog, who at least died a natural death. Well, in reality his vet also killed him with anesthesia, but unintentionally--sort of like what happened to Michael Jackson. But I digress.
     I have had several periodontal cleanings--I go every three months just to be safe--and can happily say that my worst gum pockets have receded thanks to that Oral-B electric toothbrush and twice-daily flossing. Sadly, that is really my proudest achievement this year.
     As Maine was spared tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and mudslides, it's been pretty quiet around here, however, we did lose power at least five or six times during the year owing to wind, rain or what have you, prompting me to stock up on candles and batteries. (I might need a new flashlight since our big one seems dim despite the new batteries.)
     Happily I got a note from my doctor a few weeks ago that said, "Your recent pap test was normal," and now I'm waiting for the results of my annual mammogram last week, so keep your fingers crossed! 
     Mid-year, Mitch and I became obsessed with watching "LOST" and so have not seen many people of late. The good news is we are in the middle of Season 5 and there are only six seasons, so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps in 2012 we won't get started on anything else and maybe will learn a new language.

Happy holidays to all of you!
Love from Mitch, Andrea, Daisy, Gizmo and Big Lurch