No Square Hamburgers

It's a good thing I can cook, because it's gotten to where I can barely eat in a restaurant anymore. The whole experience is so annoying that by the time my almost-cold, mediocre food is plunked down by an overworked and underpaid server, I'm usually drunk and have lost my appetite. The one exception is sushi, which I still go out for since it cannot be underdone or overdone and is supposed to be cold anyway. (I still get drunk, though.)

My desire to stay home and fend for myself is uncommon these days: Despite the wild success of celebrity chefs on TV, eating out has become a national pastime, denigrating man's necessary consumption of nutrition to a hobby. Today's Wall Street Journal details the "burger wars" currently underway between the Wendy's, Burger King and McDonald's restaurant chains. Apparently Wendy's is set to best the other two, and all because they made some itty-bitty changes to entice the customers at their 5,883 outlets in the U.S. For example, they figured out--God knows how--that people didn't like those square-shaped burgers--they looked too processed--so they now have "softened the edges" without having to change the meat, or how processed it is, at all. Now people like them better. In fact, a young software engineer in downtown Chicago gave it the thumbs-up, saying it was "more like a normal burger, not like a fast food burger." Hey buddy, here's a news flash: Fast food burgers come in all shapes and sizes!

Over at the Olive Garden, a place to be avoided at all costs until you've lost your taste buds or wear dentures, executives are busy trying to second-guess the customers. Thanks to intense focus groups and customer questionnaires, the pasta is always "served soft," unlike it is in Italy. Also, they usually throw a little meat or fish on top because "Americans tend to think that adding protein makes the meal more nutritious." (Those nutty Americans!) The chain's president readily admits that their food is not authentic, but merely "Italian inspired." Besides, the Olive Garden's meat and potatoes, if you follow me, is the unlimited soup, breadsticks and salad lunch special; at $6.95, what's not to like?

What I really miss is the Horn & Hardart Automat in New York City, which offered cafeteria food extraordinaire. Moving your tray along the metal counter, you got to see exactly what you were getting, which is always a nice feature of dining out. Missing were all those surprises based on rapturous and exalted menu descriptions, causing you to ask your server when the food arrives, "What is this supposed to be?" Gone were the striving chefs-in-training artfully spelling out your name in baby fingerling potatoes around the edge of the plate. As an added bonus, your dinner stayed really hot due to warming trays and heat lamps. For dessert you got to put your nickels into the little slots next to your chosen item, which might have been blueberry pie or a chocolate-covered cupcake with colorful sprinkles on top. Until that place makes a comeback, I'll be in my kitchen cooking up some grub.