Planned Grandparenthood

As I do from time to time for a good laugh, I recently purchased the February issue of Prevention magazine, one of the rare issues without Michelle Obama on the cover. Intrigued by how I could lose up to eight pounds in three days, and definitely interested in how to make myself heart-attack proof, what sealed the deal was the cover line, "Sexier at Every Age." Hey, who doesn't need help in that department, I asked myself. Once home, the groceries put away, I turned to the article, hoping I could accomplish whatever I needed to by the time my husband got home from work. "A sparkling sex life is something we'd all like to have, regardless of age," it began promisingly. The author went on to describe the advantages and the challenges of "having a sex life that soars" in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.....the end. WTF?

I am in my 60s, so I guess those bratty Prevention editors assume I'm either dead or on life support. But hey--cut me, do I not bleed? I'm still here. How rude--not to mention disheartening. I was wondering how to break the bad news to my husband, until  this morning when I read that the Senate is about to vote on contraception. Huh? Apparently, Democrats argue that access to contraception is a basic right! As such, the current administration seeks to include coverage of contraception as part of all health insurance plans. Well, why stop there, I wondered; what about us aging baby boomers? What are we, chopped liver all of a sudden? In fairness to all, I think the government should insist that health insurance companies also cover the following necessary expenses:
1. Unlimited tubes of K-Y jelly
2. A reasonable number of scented candles per household per month
3. Wine, whiskey, port, or whatever it takes, in whatever quantities
3. Satin sheets, one set per household per annum
4. "Al Green: The Love Songs Collection" boxed set (Available for $13.99 plus S & H)
5. Medical marijuana brownies (Sugar-free and gluten-free when applicable)
6. DVDs of "Last Tango in Paris" and "Unfaithful"
7. Blindfolds

Should the insurance companies balk, they need only be reminded that us geezers no longer require contraception or abortions. Think of the savings.

The First Model: How Does She Find the Time to Do Anything Else?

The Candidate with Broad Appeal

What exactly  does it mean to be President of The United States? We all know he can't do anything without approval from Congress, yet we make such a big deal about who gets to fly around in a fancy jet and meet a lot of celebrities and live in a free house and never have to carry a wallet. POTUS is surely our biggest celebrity, and thus those whose own lives are empty, lonely and devoid of excitement spend much of their time criticizing his every move, watching and waiting for him to make a mistake or else genuflecting when he does something positive. Sometimes despite no mistakes being made, there's still criticism from the leeches who earn their living sucking our politicians dry.

Take Laura Ingraham, a conservative political pundit with her own radio talk show who occasionally subs for Bill O'Reilly on his conservative TV talk show. Sometimes she nails the issue and I applaud her common sense, but other times she seems to be grasping at straws, desperately scrambling for something to rail about before air time and coming up empty but railing anyway.  Last week I tuned in for a rant about how Michelle Obama was unduly messing with our taste buds by strong-arming the owners of The Olive Garden and Red Lobster restaurants to lower the fat content of their menus. Laura was incensed and outraged, saying it was our prerogative to eat badly if we want to, and likening Michelle's intervention to Sharia law.  A few of her loyal listeners phoned in to register their agreement, saying they know bad food is bad but they like it anyway. One woman, teary over the fact that her favorite lunch place had bowed to government pressure, wailed, "I miss my McDonaldland cookies."

Which brings me to today's subject: The Republicans are seeking a winner, lacking one at the moment, and rumors suggest New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is once again being urged to join the race. How appropriate if the fattest nation elects a major tub o' lard to run things. The man is so fat he could be a circus act, and Washington, D.C. is surely a circus, so he'd be the perfect ringmaster. On the plus side (ha ha), he's so fat he could literally squash the competition; all he has to do is fall onto Obama at one of their presidential debates and that would be that. As for his agenda, I bet Christie would get those cookies back ASAP!

With 33.8% of Americans classified as obese, Christie's got a clear shot at winning the fat vote, obliterating the black, female, Latino, Jewish and youth votes and landing him right smack dab in the middle of the Oval Office, which might have to be renamed the Rotunda. Once that happens we'll all be swimming in gravy, with a Kentucky Fried Chicken in every pot.