If He Did It

You may remember OJ's book entitled "If I Did It," in which he detailed how he would have killed his wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman, if he had. Inspired by that, I hereby theorize how Savannah Guthrie's brother-in-law, Tommaso Cioni, would have abducted her, if he had. And based on my years studying at SVU University under professors Olivia Benson and Eliot Stabler, I feel confident I'm correct.

Cioni wouldn't have done the dirty deed himself. Instead, he would have hired two goons from Mexico, which is just an hour away from Tucson where the abduction occurred. He would have given them the key to the house and a floor plan of where everything was located, including Nancy Guthrie's bedroom and the interior cameras.

Sadly, I must say that this theory supposes the goons killed Nancy and hid her body somewhere in the desert in Mexico. Then Ciono crafted the ransom notes.

The reason the reward is so low is that Cioni did it for the inheritance he and his wife, Nancy's other daughter, would receive, and thus did not want to drain the coffers. So he advised the family to offer a small reward, and for some reason they agreed.

That's it. 

My Money's On the Brother-in-Law

Just sayin'....

 

Fat People Die Young. Then What?

There is a disturbing trend online of extremely, absurdly, nauseatingly obese young women showing us their bodies, some half-naked in their underwear, and claiming how happy they are with themselves. I thought I had seen everything, but then a new phase began: Fatties showing the world what they eat in a day.

A typical Reel shows a 30-something woman with a smiling face, albeit a fat one, with these words imprinted over her:" THIS IS WHAT I EAT IN A DAY AS A FAT GIRL." Like we all want to know so we can get as fat as you, right?

Then it's breakfast, of maybe a stack of pancakes with syrup, three sausages, some scrambled eggs, a couple of chocolate-cream donuts and a strawberry Smoothie. Next it's on to lunch time, with a large pepperoni pizza, two hot dogs, an ice-cream sandwich and a Diet Coke. (It's always a Diet Coke. Go figure.) The video continues, but I've never made it past the afternoon snack because of being too sad to watch. 

As if all that isn't bad enough, the comments on these videos applaud their makers' seeming self-love. Two things about this trend bother me. First, obesity is appalling and wrong, unhealthy, ungodly and just plain stupid. Second, who will run the country when all these fatties die in their 40s and 50s?

How the White Man Got Manhattan

After running a few ideas past him for my next blog post, my husband rejected them all and said I should try to write about something "cheery." My suggestions had included the current news story about an 84-year-old woman who was abducted from her bed in the middle of the night, how long it takes to get an appointment with a doctor these days, and how after 39 years of marriage we have run out of even trivial conversation.

Fine, I said, give me just one cheery idea. This was his reply: "The sap in the trees is rising, the days are getting longer and we are going to Florida in a few weeks." This may be why Mitch does not have his own blog.

The cold, hard truth is that there's hardly any cheer left in America these days. About the only thing I can think of is that in today's mail I received a crisp one dollar bill from a charitable organization (see photo) seeking my donation, along with the customary note pad and return address labels. I found that to be cheery, although oddly counter-productive. 

I am seriously considering contributing one dollar to their cause. That should fix their wagon.

Ordinary People Outshine Hollywood Weirdos

Justin Bieber, playing in his undies.

This morning I worked out for an hour at my CrossFit gym. The place was rocking as the 10am class got underway: Music blaring, weights clanking, the hum of rowing machines, bikes and Assault runners adding to the crescendo of sound. Over it all was the voice of the trainer shouting out instructions. It was glorious.

Everyone there -- about 20 people when I arrived -- was focused on self-improvement. They showed up for that and that alone. As an added bonus to staying healthy and avoiding a creaky old age, friendships form and socialization occurs. It's a complete good-for-you package.

None of the people at my gym are famous. They are not asked for their autographs and the paparazzi don't follow them around. They're all just ordinary people striving to become their best selves, without the need for awards, applause or adoration from complete strangers.

Afterwards I came home and checked my email and was bombarded with photos of last night's Grammy Awards show, which mercifully I did not see. The people shown were seemingly nuts. One man (Justin Bieber, has-been musician) sang and played guitar totally naked except for boxer shorts and socks, the better to see his tattoo-covered chest, arms and back. A woman (Heidi Klum, has-been supermodel) wore a 100% plastic, flesh-colored, super-tight dress in which she was unable to walk or sit. Several women (unknown to me) wore next-to-nothing gowns which barely covered their breasts and were obviously meant to titillate onlookers rather than clothe the wearers.

It seems plainer than ever to me that Hollywood is home to the most insecure and mentally unstable of our species, each one seeking to gain the most attention and steal the spotlight. I wondered how any of them would fare at my little CrossFit gym, where nobody is better than anyone else and every participant is a superstar.

Film Review: MELANIA

First of all, let me say I have not enjoyed a movie this much in a long, long time. Every cinematic aspect of Melania is compelling, including the imaginative directing by Brett Ratner (of the "Rush Hour" movies), the crisp and unexpected editing, and most of all the truly great musical score, a mix of pop hits and classical works. 

It is also informative, showing you things you've wondered about and always wanted to see. If you drop your politics at the door and think of it as an inside look at the life of a Princess in a fairy tale leading up to the day her Prince is crowned, you'll love it!

Of course it isn't fiction, it's a documentary about what a First Lady does all day, and this one in particular. You'll find out, and learn a little about fashion on the way, as Melania plans her outfits and gown for the big event and all the hoopla surrounding it. You'll also get a glimpse at the Trump's lavishly decorated New York apartment (definitely not for the faint of heart), a few stunning drone shots over Mar-A-Lago (as well as a look inside), and a romp through the White House, fancy invitation-only dinner and presidential residence included.

Besides the beautiful visuals, which are always interesting and often include random shots unrelated to the subject, there's Melania herself, telling us in a voiceover what's going on. There's lots of pomp and circumstance leading up to Trump's second Inauguration Day, much more than I ever realized. While the elaborate protocols and traditions seem a bit over the top, remember it's all been similarly scripted for every new past president. Every one of them did it, not just the Trumps, so leave your judge's robe at home and just take it all in. It's pretty much fun!

Good Things About Maine

Not much traffic

It snows in winter

Spectacular fall foliage

Eighty-8 Donut Cafe

Acadia National Park

Plenty of parking

The Wrong People Keep Dying

First it was Diane Keaton. 

Then it was Rob Reiner. 

Now it's Catherine O'Hara. 

Three talented actors who made us laugh and died far too soon, 

sooner than some people who make us hate. 

For example, Ilhan Omar still walks among us.

And how about Vladimir Putin? 

Death chooses randomly, that's all we know for sure.

Looking For the Silver Lining

The phrase "every cloud has a silver lining" means that even in difficult situations, there is always a positive aspect or hope for something better. It encourages optimism by suggesting that bad times may lead to good outcomes. To that I say, "Not always!" (See photo above.)

Terrible things happen all the time that never lead to anything good. I don't have to list them for you, you can think of many yourself. Yet the old saying persists, mostly because people don't know what to say when things are bad, so they say that things aren't so bad. Or that they'll get better.

Sometimes they do, but not for everyone involved. In this particular case, my cat. Lurch is 17 and has been on a downward slide for several months. A visit to the vet last week confirmed that he will likely not get better. This sad news is the cloud.

So what's the silver lining? Saving money on cat food (after we spend a ton more money on tests and treatment)? No more little dead critters brought as gifts from Lurch at my back door? Less dust in the house? My friend who is allergic to cats can finally come over? Big deal, we aren't even friends anymore.

Okay, finally I got one: We can travel on a whim without worrying who will watch the cat and paying a petsitter enormous sums of money. There, that's my silver lining.

Funny, I don't feel any better.

What To Do With the Body

One of the drearier aspects of aging is deciding what will happen to your body after its expiration date. While it's true people die at all ages, for those we gratingly call "seniors" it's coming up relatively soon. This fact must be reckoned with.

If you are childless or unmarried you really don't have to worry about it -- whatever happens will happen and you won't know. But surviving spouses and kids change everything. 

For example, my husband has become increasingly concerned over this issue, and he wants me clued in on what I might have to do. Suddenly he wants to be buried in the ground in a wooden box, worms and all. He's even taken to visiting a nearby cemetery where he might end up, behavior I find appalling since I consider burial a harsh end to what is basically the magical miracle of life. 

What am I saying? That I choose not to slowly disintegrate with worms in me, on me or even near me, although for extra bucks you can get a concrete-lined coffin to keep the critters out. Instead I prefer to be cremated. And unlike when Hitler did it, now you can have your ashes incorporated into a beautiful glass orb which can then be placed in a garden as a snow globe. How artful!

Enter my practical son, who thinks worm-eating sounds better than burning. He worries that future generations, i.e. his kids or his kid's kids (all yet to be born) will eventually consider the glass ball (a.k.a. Grandma) a piece of junk and confine it to a trunk in an attic, or even throw it in the trash.

Admittedly, dying is sometimes a drag, but death shouldn't be. After all, it's bad enough that you're dead, why make it worse? I say light me up and let my spirit soar. How can it if it's stuck in a box six feet underground?

I know this post is not funny at all, and for that I apologize. Death is many things but funny isn't one of them. To compensate I include the cartoon above, which is good enough for a laugh. (Yuck it up while you still can.)

I'm So Hungry I Could Eat A Horse

The most annoying thing in the world is hyperbole. I'm sick to death of it. It makes me crazy. 

President Trump eats hyperbole for breakfast. Everything he does, every move he makes, every thought he utters is the most it's ever been done in the history of our country, or possibly the world.

Around the time of the Academy Awards, every movie made is the best movie of the year, or in some cases, ever. They are all must-sees.

Average, run-of-the-mill restaurants have the best salad bar, serve the biggest steaks, make the world's greatest cheesecake.

Every pizza ever baked is the best in the city! (Or the state, or the country or the world.)

Ordinary people, like your friends and family, say they had the time of their life doing regular, everyday things: Their trip to Disney was incredible! Their weekend at the beach was awesome! Going bowling blew their minds.

Every single person on the planet has the most adorable grandchildren! They are the smartest, the cutest, the most amazing children who ever were born, anywhere.

Every book jacket proclaims that if you read one book this year, it has to be this one, it's life-changing!

Everybody loves everything. Except for when they hate it, and it's the absolute worst thing they ever saw, or did, or ate.

Everyone is the most handsome, the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest, or else the fattest or the dumbest person anyone ever met in their entire life.

I could smother you with kisses. Or else I could kill you.

I'm telling you, it's terrifying. I can't stand it for another second.