Sunday, March 7, 2021

That's Life

I give up. The wave is overwhelming. My petty protestations against fat people and mutilated genitalia are meaningless since those atrocities have been embraced lovingly by the masses. Any lamenting of their prevalence in society is too late and of little consequence.

What's got me thinking this way is a comment I received from an anonymous person, of course, who likely is obese and transgendered and who called me every name in the book (of mean names) for my past criticism of those particular qualities.

So go ahead: Be fat and mutilate yourself if you want. It's none of my business. And to anyone who may have felt insulted by things I have written in the past, well, that's life. 

Friday, March 5, 2021

How Offensive Can I Be?

Godammit, what's a person got to do to get cancelled around here? I would LOVE that! My blog would shoot to the top of everyone's reading list and I might even make a couple of bucks! Dr. Suess books are now selling for over $700 on Amazon, and not just the six that got cancelled for "racist" content but a lot of his other titles too.

I suppose I could say things like Chinese people really do have slanted eyes, most blacks have rhythm and Jews are way smarter than everyone else. That might be a good place to start. I could go on and say that Latinos have funny accents, Irish people are drunks, Germans are dictatorial and follow directions too easily and French people are snooty. Pit bulls should be eliminated as a breed. Ditto Democrats.

Hey, this is fun. Obama wasn't born in America, we never landed on the moon, 9/11 was an inside job, Sandy Hook was staged (the dead kids were actors), Hillary Clinton had Vince Foster murdered and Michelle Obama is a tranny. Biden stole the election. Kamala Harris isn't black. All Lives Matter. Fat people are hideous and unhealthy and cost our health care system billions of dollars.

The food at The Olive Garden is atrocious. Tennis is boring. So is golf, except for Tiger Woods who is a hoot. Michael Jackson was into animals, not children. Covid was cooked up by Pelosi and the Chinese to get Trump out of office. The vaccine is a hoax. All Muslims are terrorists. Rachel Maddow is a man. So is Caitlyn Jenner.

Life on the Plantation

A plantation of basketball players.

A basketball coach at Creighton University was suspended indefinitely for saying the word "plantation." The school is currently considering further punishment. Apparently the word causes "undue pain" to black people, and since many if not most basketball players are black, well, that's a whole lotta pain. I wonder, did any of them have to go to the ER or was it strictly emotional pain caused by not knowing what a plantation is and being embarrassed to admit it?

Brace yourself. Here's what coach Greg McDermott said after his team suffered a loss that brought them to below 14th place in their league, which is where they were before the game: 

"Guys, we got to stick together. We need both feet in. I need everybody to stay on the plantation. I can’t have anybody leave the plantation.”

I can just imagine the chaos in the locker room after that statement:

Player #1: What's a plantation?

Player # 2: I think it's like a banana, only smaller.

Player # 3: No, that's a plantain. It's something like an Indian reservation for black people.

Player # 4: Hey man, you can't say Indians anymore! It's Native Americans.

Player # 3: No shit! Please don't report me.

Player # 4: Sorry nigga, but I'm gonna have to turn you in.

Thursday, March 4, 2021

The Lure of Fame and Fortune

A while back I started watching cooking videos posted by an Alabama grandmother named Brenda Gantt. Her natural innocence was charming. No makeup, dowdy as can be, she was teaching people who don't know the first thing about cooking how to turn out reasonable, albeit unhealthy, foods for their families. Along with her cooking she included a dollop of religion, often reading from the Bible when the mood struck her. Her down-home style and southern accent were infectious, and her following grew, not only in number but probably in girth since all her recipes are very fattening, thus yummy.

Soon enough our innocent Brenda started to plug certain companies while dishing out her southern charm. A favorite of hers is White Lily Flour, which she constantly touts as THE ONLY FLOUR TO USE in her biscuits, pies and dumplings, and whenever flour is called for. She often wears an apron with the White Lily Flour logo on it. Occasionally she plugs someone else too, like the maker of specialty syrups whose name escapes me since who eats syrup?

Today Brenda announced that her Facebook page has hit 2 million followers! Excited about that, and wanting to share that good news with her dedicated followers, she is giving away a prize to one lucky person. All you have to do to enter her "contest" is to follow her Facebook page, follow White Lily Flour on Facebook, and also follow her son-in-law's Facebook page about shepherding, like that's what you care about, and you might win a White Lily Flour apron! (They cost about $20 bucks, available online.)

Instead, I unfollowed Cooking With Brenda Gantt on Facebook. Oh, and I use Hannaford's All-Purpose Flour. It works fine.

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Potato Head Questions

Okay, I get the whole gender thing where little girls thought they couldn't grow up to be a CEO of a large corporation or President of the United States and all of that. But I'm confused about this: What was wrong with Mr. Potato Head? Did that name make little girls think they could not grow up to be a Potato Head? Is that a dream of many little girls, or even one? Why did the toy manufacturer decide to drop the Mr. and go with just Potato Head? What other reason could there be?

Is it Too Late for Me and Tommy Lee Jones?

Four years ago I finished writing a semi-autobiographical novel based on a true story. It relates what transpired within my own family after a life-changing accident and has characters based on my husband, his twin brother, my sister-in-law, my son, my niece and two nephews and myself. It's funny, slightly lewd, containing a lot of stretched truth and a lot of what really happened. I posted it in its entirety on this very blog in 2017, under the title "It's Fiction." 

Not one of my family members has read it yet, saying "it's too hard to read online." That's the subject of my next book, tentatively titled "Trapped With the Wrong People."

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Cancelled and Proud

This blog has been cancelled. I can tell that from the readership stats. And it's no wonder: I think for myself and never parrot the party line, regardless of the party. I'm not a team player and never have been. Pulling out the ultimate cliche, I follow the beat of a different drum, and that beat is drumming in my head all the time, drowning out the chatter of the masses. But the final straw was that I made it clear I do not hate Donald and Melania Trump. That is a sin beyond all others for reasons I cannot comprehend. 

Drawing from a Dr. Suess book
 In fact, I'm proud to be cancelled since I join many others who are beacons of light. (If this keeps happening, pretty soon there will be a Cancelled Pride Day.) Cancel culture knows no bounds. Whoever dares to think something unique, not in keeping with the unspoken yet totally understood boundaries of the People In Power, is crushed like a bug. How dare they disagree with the norm?

Dr. Suess is the latest former icon now condemned as a racist shithead. His books are being removed from elementary schools. The man is suddenly no good, despite the fact that in 2015 President Obama said in a speech to White House interns, "Pretty much all the stuff you need to know is in Dr. Suess." So what's the problem? 

Seems he worked as an illustrator many years before he became famous, drawing what is now considered to be racist advertisements for a mosquito repellent. Never mind that he had to make a living and at the time the ads were not considered racist; they are now and HE SUCKS. Besides, he drew Chinese people with slanted eyes! Yes, they do actually have slanted eyes, but nice people don't talk about things like that.

 Sort of like not calling people "fat" but large, heavy, or big-boned, as if that makes it okay. (See photo.)

That's Life

I give up. The wave is overwhelming. My petty protestations against fat people and mutilated genitalia are meaningless since those atrocitie...