Politics in a Nutshell

Even though everyone is pissed at Obama for ruining the economy and ramming that health care bill down our throats and vacationing among the elite on Martha's Vineyard, he still might get another four years when you consider the opposition. The whole lot of them on the other team are losers.

Superstar Michele Bachmann doesn't stand a chance for two obvious reasons. First of all, her fingernails are ridiculously long and always noticeably manicured in very showy colors, and she tosses her hands around just so we can see them. Next, her hair is much too straight and much too shiny. She must spend hundreds on hair products, not to mention hours getting it fixed just so. Is that who we want in the White House? I think not.

As for the rest of them, oh please. Rick Perry's accent is far too strong and a tad phony if you ask me. And no matter how smart they are, those Texans just sound stupid. (All southerners do, for that matter.) Ron Paul has some good ideas, but face it--he looks like a puppet on a string, his head and arms are all floppy--he's simply too gangly to be president. Romney's okay if you like Mormons, but that full head of hair at his age makes me suspicious that he's joined the Hair Club for Men, like my old editor John Montorio who was well on his way to bald 30 years ago and today could be one of the original Beatles. Jon Huntsman's father was a billionaire, so he's not even worth considering since he knows nothing of pain and suffering. Besides, what's with spelling "John" that way? How pretentious. Herman Cain has some good ideas but nobody's going to vote for another black guy after the one we have now screwed up so bad, so it's goodbye Herman--too bad, so sad. Newt Gingrich, once a shining star, now seems sort of ditzy and out of it, and besides, he has clearly let himself go, obesity-wise. As for the others I'm forgetting, they are obviously not memorable enough to go further than that last debate.

That leaves Hillary, but does she have the balls to oppose Obama? If not, maybe when she goes in for her next eye-job or jowl-lift she could get a pair; these days, anything is possible. (Just ask Chaz Bono.)

The Bachmann Brand: What's the Dizzle?

Borders Books & Music was a wondrous place in its day, and its day lasted 40 years. It was the perfect antidote to the blues, especially if you weren't in the mood to put on makeup. You could wander the aisles for hours, browsing travel books promising adventure and excitement or skimming diet books promising a new you. The children's section offered picture books and teddy bears, and likely a Lego table or Brio train station open to all ages. Hang out reading magazines or just make a beeline for the cafe for a coffee and a scone, screw the diet. There was no place better at Christmas, with its seemingly endless rows of greeting cards, wrapping paper and calendars. And for severe depression, you could slap on some headphones in the music aisle and hear the latest tunes from your favorite artist.

This is all in the past since Borders has closed, squeezed out by advancing technology. Now you order up that trashy novel on your Kindle and read it on a flat screen with an eerie glow, perhaps while you're huddled over your laptop at Starbucks, answering email and texting on your iPhone at the same time. Oh well, at least I have memories of great times and great days: Crosby, Stills and Nash, Marrakesh Express, Beach Boys, Poco, Jackson Browne's unbelievably sweet fountain of sorrow harmonies. I can always imagine John Lennon, instead of the angry, criminalistic, blingified, out-on-bail rappers proclaiming, "I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles, waiting on the pizzle, the dizzle and the hizzle." (Whatever that means.)

Nowhere is our cultural downward slide more evident than in politics, where anyone can run for office as long as there's a sharp PR firm on the payroll. Today's Wall Street Journal talks about the "Michele Bachmann brand" being honed to a razor's edge by her team of image consultants. It involves kissing babies and signing t-shirts and hugging teenagers and yakking with farm wives. She makes an emotional connection with her audience, so what if she's against abortion and gay marriage? She's down-home! She's warm and fuzzy! People love her! That's great if you're looking to hire a kindergarten teacher and possibly even a president--maybe of the PTA, surely not the USA. Come on, people, what's the dizzle with that?

Disaster in High Heels

With so many great minds excelling in the fields of medicine, science, business, education and entertainment, it's sad that we are forced to consider the possibility of Michele Bachmann as our leader. In desperation, her opponents are now attacking her high heel-induced migraine headaches, suggesting they could interfere with her carrying out the duties of the President. How ridiculous, when she has so many other flaws that make her unsuitable to spend one more second in pursuit of this lofty goal.

Perhaps the most offensive one was foreshadowed in 2004, when Bachmann stated publicly, "We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.” I suppose that means she is extra nice to her own husband, a prancing flamer who could be Harvey Fierstein's understudy in Torch Song Trilogy. Together, the couple owns a Christian counseling center with a focus on curing homosexuality.

Media reports say Bachmann's anti-gay stance "has outraged liberals and alienated moderate Republicans, while endearing her to many conservative Christians."  As for the rest of us, there is still time! Surely we can do better than scraping the bottom of the political barrel by inducing others to run for office. I'm not proud of this, but I must make the old headache joke: Sorry Michele, not tonight. Not any night.