Politics in a Nutshell

Even though everyone is pissed at Obama for ruining the economy and ramming that health care bill down our throats and vacationing among the elite on Martha's Vineyard, he still might get another four years when you consider the opposition. The whole lot of them on the other team are losers.

Superstar Michele Bachmann doesn't stand a chance for two obvious reasons. First of all, her fingernails are ridiculously long and always noticeably manicured in very showy colors, and she tosses her hands around just so we can see them. Next, her hair is much too straight and much too shiny. She must spend hundreds on hair products, not to mention hours getting it fixed just so. Is that who we want in the White House? I think not.

As for the rest of them, oh please. Rick Perry's accent is far too strong and a tad phony if you ask me. And no matter how smart they are, those Texans just sound stupid. (All southerners do, for that matter.) Ron Paul has some good ideas, but face it--he looks like a puppet on a string, his head and arms are all floppy--he's simply too gangly to be president. Romney's okay if you like Mormons, but that full head of hair at his age makes me suspicious that he's joined the Hair Club for Men, like my old editor John Montorio who was well on his way to bald 30 years ago and today could be one of the original Beatles. Jon Huntsman's father was a billionaire, so he's not even worth considering since he knows nothing of pain and suffering. Besides, what's with spelling "John" that way? How pretentious. Herman Cain has some good ideas but nobody's going to vote for another black guy after the one we have now screwed up so bad, so it's goodbye Herman--too bad, so sad. Newt Gingrich, once a shining star, now seems sort of ditzy and out of it, and besides, he has clearly let himself go, obesity-wise. As for the others I'm forgetting, they are obviously not memorable enough to go further than that last debate.

That leaves Hillary, but does she have the balls to oppose Obama? If not, maybe when she goes in for her next eye-job or jowl-lift she could get a pair; these days, anything is possible. (Just ask Chaz Bono.)