Don't Worry, Be Caffeinated

I've always wondered how come, despite the sinking economy and global warming and killer storms and all those kids missing their upper lips in those gruesome advertisements for the Smile Train, I'm not always trying to kill myself. Now I know: It's because I drink coffee--strong, black and lots of it--so my risk of suicide is 20% lower than women who don't. That nugget of truth was unearthed by a federally funded Harvard University study of 50,000 women who were followed for decades to assess their health risks. So this is what those researchers do with that grant money over at the National Institute of Health! (The deficit be damned--we need this information.)

Apparently four cups of java daily puts a serious spring in your step, and while not really preventing depression it does offer a "protective effect." As for you decaf drinkers--a self-righteous bunch if ever I saw one--be forewarned: While you'll enjoy a better night's sleep, you may have fewer of them in the long run since it's the caffeine that does the trick, not the bean itself.

If I didn't drink so much coffee and were suicidal from time to time, you can bet I wouldn't attempt it by setting myself on fire like two young Tibetan monks in southwestern China did recently. The men, ages 18 and 19, were doused quickly and hospitalized with only slight burns, although they will definitely need new robes. Apparently there has been a spate of self-immolation among the monk population, who are despondent about religious freedom and the Dalai Lama and mounting pressures within the monastic community. Anyway, it's obvious they need to lay off the green tea and get with the Starbucks plan. Hopefully those monastery bigwigs will read today's Wall Street Journal and put two and two together like I did before more of their young people suffer needlessly.