The Twilight Saga of Harry Potter

My first novel, "Shrink Rapt," was a flop. It was pretty funny in spots, and I thought it was quite groundbreaking: A neurotic young woman and her nutty shrink finally find love as mother and daughter after he has a sex change operation. Who knew that was a snooze?

So I am now working on another novel and I think this one will sail to the top of the charts. It's about a teenage girl named Wysiwyg Bernstein. She's got a weight problem: Despite being anorexic and bulemic she is very fat, but still attractive like many fat women are, as we all would agree. Wysiwyg secretly harbors an Islamic terrorist lover, Ali Ali Aksenfree, in her family's ski condo in Aspen. Ali Ali has quit high school to become a rap star and is intent on becoming famous for his incendiary music, then blowing up all of America's treasured national monuments, starting with Mt. Rushmore. Sounds boring, I know, but here's the catch: they are both vampires! Ali Ali is also a wizard and is slowly teaching Wysiwyg many of his skills; she can now fly and is thus able to get through airline security in a snap. She can also talk to animals and communicate with the dead and the unborn and the about-to-be-born, and completely understands the writings of James Joyce and Samuel Beckett and all the words to the song "Louie, Louie." Being vampires, the toothy twosome drink a lot of blood and eat a lot of meat. In fact, much of the action takes place at area McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and Arby's restaurants.

Eventually Ali Ali gets a job with the CIA and learns all of our government's secrets, like who really killed JFK and where they actually shot the moon landing. He runs for president and is elected, and nobody knows he is a vampire or an Islamic terrorist. (They find out in the sequel.) Wysiwyg loses a lot of weight, writes a best-selling diet and exercise book and gets a job as a morning anchor on ABC.

I am very excited about it.