Guess Who's Running for Mayor of New York

The best depiction of a weiner I've ever seen.

Mayor Bloomberg is leaving at the end of his term. He plans to spend his retirement drinking extra-large sodas. Out of all the possible dedicated politicians who could run for his vacated office, one of the following has just declared his candidacy for Mayor of New York City. Can you pick who?

#1. He's boring, haughty, imperious, has big ears, and lacks even a hint of humor. He wouldn't know charisma if it came up and bit him in the ass. Is it him? (No, he's got a job in Washington until 2016.)

#2. He's funny, and always has a mischievous grin. He says what he means and even if he sometimes gets the words wrong, they are always heartfelt. Is it him? (No, he lives in Texas and is done with politics.)

#3. She's dumpy, dowdy, and has droopy bags under her eyes some of the time, but then suddenly they're all gone. Some people call her "the smartest woman in the world," but she stays married to a man who has cheated on her publicly forever. Is it her? (No, she's holding out for a bigger job.)

#4. He's young, smart, articulate, brash and carries a copy of the Constitution in his back pocket. He learned it all from his father. Is it him? (No, he's too conservative.)

#5. He took photos of his own penis and inadvertently tweeted them to his entire address book. Turns out he was also "sexting" young girls. He quit his job as Senator in shame. Now he wants to come back. Is it him? (Yes it is. Could it be? How could it be? Are you kidding me? Give me a break.)