Oreos and Other Evils

A future fatty enjoying her Oreos.

Oreos turned 101 this year. No longer an only child, the original Oreo now has plenty of company with its siblings Double Stuf, Mega Stuf and Mini. You can also get them chocolate-covered, vanilla-cookied and peanut butter-filled. The newest member of the family, conceived to celebrate this year's benchmark birthday, is called Wonderfilled--as in, "I wonder what this filling is?" It even has its own song, written specifically for all the little children who are not yet fat but will be soon enough. The first line of the song says that if someone had given the Big Bad Wolf an Oreo, he might have been nice to the Three Little Pigs and helped them decorate their houses instead of destroying them. (Subliminal message: Who needs a gun if you have some Oreos on hand?)

Coincidentally, thanks to Oreos and similar crap, there are a lot of fatties out there. The statistics are available with a click of your mouse: More than a third of adults in America are obese. Because of that, they suffer and die from heart disease, stroke, diabetes and some cancers. Their treatments cost billions of dollars, making my insurance--and yours--more expensive. Why? The simple answer is, they shop in supermarkets. These Houses of Horror are filled with rows and rows of poison, all marketed in pretty packages and with fun names to make them palatable. But once you do some research, you will learn that inside those boxes is nothing worth anything.

So here's what to do: Shop only in the smallest store you can find. If there are no small stores nearby, shop only the outer perimeter of the supermarket. Never, ever go down any of the aisles in the middle; that's where they keep all the poison--and all the Oreos. Don't buy anything that is wrapped so that you can't see it. Eat only real food you can pronounce. Starting immediately, you will lose weight, have fewer aches and pains, and feel better about yourself and the whole world in general. Really.