Just now I saw a story online entitled "How to Make Friends as an Adult." I didn't click since I have enough friends already, and besides, they're not all they're cracked up to be. But it made me think of how one makes friends as an adult in Maine, which is a whole other ball of wax. So I offer this advice for anyone planning to move to "America's Vacationland," not necessarily in order of importance (except for the first one.)
1. Avoid being Jewish, or if you are, don't flaunt it. What is flaunting it? Having and sharing your innermost feelings, showing excitement about anything, owning and wearing real jewelry, dressing up for the theater, that sort of thing.
2. For men, being clean-shaven will greatly cut down your chances of anyone speaking to you. Also, try to wear flannel as much as possible, usually plaid. Always wear work boots or Bean boots. In fact, dressing from head to toe in garments from L.L. Bean's will allow others to feel comfortable around you. The same advice applies to women, except for the beard.
3. Use the word "wicked" as an adjective pertaining to the weather or any aches and pains you may have. It can be used either before or after the subject, as in "I've got a wicked shoulder pain" or "My shoulder hurts me something wicked." It can also mean something is good, like a wicked whoopie pie. (Learn about whoopie pies before you get here.)
4. Drive a truck (men) or a Volvo (women).
5. Always have two dogs, either Labs or Golden Retrievers. When one dies, replace it immediately.
6. Put a BLM sign on your lawn (even though Maine is the nation's whitest state).
7. Own a boat. Keep it in your driveway in winter under a tarp. It could be a sailboat or a kayak or a canoe or a motor boat, no matter. Just have a boat and talk about it often.
8. Ski constantly in winter.
9. Hike a lot on weekends.
10. Love lobster, eat a lot of lobster, have lobster bakes at your house, talk about lobster, eat at lobster shacks, know where to get the best lobster roll.
11. Mow your own lawn with one of those John Deere tractors. (Hiring a gardener is like hanging a neon sign out front that says, "I'm a Jew!")
12. Never give anyone a gift unless they're family.
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