How I'm Different from Merrick Garland

I finally understand why I'm such a misfit and always have been: I never hop onto the right bandwagons. Like back in high school, I didn't have sex in the back seat of my boyfriend's jalopy, or anywhere for that matter. I didn't even have a boyfriend. (Not unless you count David O'Lenick who was a year behind me and I would love to see how he turned out, so if you know him and he's still alive, tell him to contact me.) 

In college, I never smoked pot and still managed to graduate NYU with a BFA. Years later, as a new mother, I used Pampers instead of going down to the ravine to pound my all-natural cotton diapers with rocks and laundry soap like our more environmentally-conscious neighbors. (Just kidding, but they acted that way even though they washed them in a washing machine.)

More recently, the Twitter bandwagon completely passed me by. I tried it one time and jumped right off, thinking it was an inane pastime. Who knew it would become so popular? Ditto the tattoo bandwagon, the piercing bandwagon, the stuffed-crust pizza bandwagon and the I Hate Trump bandwagon, none of which held any appeal.

But the biggest mistake I've made is completely missing the Taylor Swift bandwagon, which somehow never drove by my house. I have yet to see her perform or hear any of her music. I doubt I could pick her out of a lineup, especially since they choose people who look alike for those. What I do know is she's got blond hair and is usually holding a guitar. And this is a critical difference between me and our current Attorney General.

An article today's Wall Street Journal reports that Merrick Garland, that wizened coot who always looks like he's eaten a bowl of prunes and/or worms, is a ginormous fan of Taylor Swift! In fact, he's all the way to a "Swiftie," having been introduced to her music early on while he was driving his then-teenaged daughters to school each day. Now, in his current high government position, he often incorporates her lyrics into his emails to staff and even into official judicial decisions, only if they fit the situation of course.

Another way Merrick and I are different is his net worth is listed in Forbes as between $8.3 and 33 million, while mine is not even listed in Forbes and is considerably less. (It's a wonder he's such a sourpuss with all that dough.)