Lock Up the Doofuses

How low can we go in debasing Man's Best Friend?

While Western propaganda may be exaggerating things, Russia certainly seems to be a bad place where freedoms are greatly hampered, if not altogether banished, under the evil Putin. The latest reports are that any Russian citizen who openly calls the current Ukraine conflagration a "war" could (and likely will) be imprisoned for 15 years. That's rough, considering it is a war and one is punished for speaking truth.

Here in America things are much better. You usually only go to jail for committing heinous crimes or lying under oath, although errors are made and stories abound of people who have served long prison sentences before being found innocent of all charges. But perhaps we are too lenient in this country. I can think of several crimes against humanity that are completely permissible that should instead send the perpetrators to prison for a while until they come to their senses. The most egregious of these follow:

Anyone referring to a growing fetus (which will eventually become a new human being) a "baby bump" and posting naked pictures of said bump online. No wonder so many women have abortions with such ease; after all, it's just smoothing out a bump.

Fat celebrities posting nude and/or topless photos of themselves on Instagram and Twitter, claiming to be proud of their self-described "curvy" bodies. Curvy is one thing; fat is fat and it ain't pretty.

Pet owners who take their dogs everywhere, transporting them in baskets, backpacks or even full-flown baby strollers. The pathetic pooches show up in restaurants, on airplanes, in hotels and of course stuck inside parked cars, sometimes for hours, their frenzied barks from inside their prisons -- frigid in winter and stifling hot in summer -- filling the air.

Married or otherwise allegedly loving couples sitting across from one another in restaurants, scrolling through their cell phones for the entire meal, even after the food has arrived. Shame on them!

Life could be a dream, at least in this country, if only there weren't so many doofuses at large.