My Plans for Semi-Suicide

Having been born under the astrological sign of Gemini, I have always battled with two conflicting and wholly different personalities. This explains how I could became fast friends with someone, travel to a foreign country on an extended trip with her, and decide a few months later that the two of us have nothing whatsoever in common and end all communication. Makes perfect sense: One of us (Bad Me) liked her goofy flair, until the other one (Good Me) finally noticed her utter superficiality.

Many people have this battle, even if they aren't Geminis. The struggle between Good and Evil lives within us all, wreaking havoc on our best-laid plans like a flash flood ruins a picnic. Well I am tired of it and have decided to take drastic action: I am planning to kill Bad Me. Today is the perfect day to do it since she kept both of us awake all night, having weird dreams and waking up and looking at the clock every hour, and coughing. (I'm positive she's the one who coughs.)

How will I do it, you may wonder? Obviously it will be a delicate operation as I don't want even a scratch on Good Me. So that eliminates razor blades, drug OD's, car crashes and falling from a great height. Instead it will have to be by starvation: I will deny her the unhealthy (but fun!) food she craves and all the petty (but fun!) pleasures she wastes time on, and she will simply die of boredom (and lack of fun). At least that's my hope. Then maybe Good Me can get some serious work done around here, like washing the kitchen floor, getting a new toilet seat and making a website for her art. And who knows, even get back into those size 8 jeans one of them bought. (They fit then.)