People Get Ready

Suddenly the winds have changed and some polls and pundits are predicting a Romney victory. This would naturally impact the country in huge ways. Besides the biggest change in Congress--Nancy Pelosi will finally stop smiling--some of the other societal shifts we can expect include:

* The words "missionary position" will take on a whole new meaning.

* With Michelle gone, school cafeterias will go back to serving French fries with mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits, a specialty of Mormon cuisine. We'll be able to eat whatever we want--except those downtrodden New Yorkers in Bloomberg territory. Children will no longer be urged to "move an hour a day," and eventually everyone will have diabetes.

* Those crybaby Democrats, which means all the Democrats, will claim foul play and initiate lawsuits against George W. Bush, who surely had something to do with it.

* The writers at Saturday Night Live will rejoice as once again they are free to mercilessly mock the president without fear of being called racist.

* Anticipating the repeal of Roe v. Wade, even women who aren't pregnant will rush out to get abortions while they still can, with lines outside of the few remaining Planned Parenthood centers stretching for blocks.

* The ladies of The View will kvetch and moan. Whoopie Goldberg will gain another 50 pounds and start shopping at the Big & Tall Shop. Barbara Walters, almost 100 years old under that face mask, is likely to drop dead from the shock. Joy Behar--oh, who cares about her.

* Photo-shopped glamor shots of Ann Romney will grace the cover of Vogue, the only magazine still in print.

* Joe Biden, laughing all the way, will thankfully recede back into oblivion where he belongs, while Secretary of State Marie Osmond will become famous again.

* The Reverend Al Sharpton will go on a hunger strike and completely disappear by Inauguration Day.