If I Were President

Never watched "The Beverly Hillbillies," but I know that's them.

Okay, I'm taking the gloves off. After all, if Obama can be obnoxious and nasty and have everyone think he's cool, I guess I can try it. Also, my son says the reason so few people read my blog is because I am not controversial enough, so here goes. This is how I actually feel about the following situations:

1. We all know that being fat is unhealthy, unattractive, and in some dire cases downright disgusting. I have said as much before. So when I'm in charge, citizens will be ticketed for every pound over the legal limit, which will be determined by experts such as doctors and insurance actuaries. You might be eating a Whopper at Burger King one day and have a cop come up to you, produce one of those new wrist scales where they can weigh you on the spot, and give you a ticket for breaking the Fatness Law. It might be like $5 per pound, or more depending on how financially strapped my administration is at that point.

2. Bad taste will be outlawed. This will apply to clothing, hairstyles, car decals and exterior home decor. Facial hair on men will be strictly prohibited, while women with facial hair will be pitied. Lawn ornaments such as gnomes, giant mushrooms, gnomes leaning on giant mushrooms, plastic reindeer at Christmas and throughout the year, those dumb pinwheels, flamingos of any color and jockeys ditto will be confiscated. A second offense will result in the scofflaw having to do community service such as repainting all those ugly houses a new color chosen by the state and shaving women's beards.

3. Persons caught using a cell phone in public will be jailed for one month and forced to watch reruns of "The Beverly Hillbillies" (see photo) or translate Shakespeare's sonnets into pig-Latin, their choice. Anyone caught texting while driving will be publicly mocked, audibly scorned and forced to wear a button saying, "I AM REALLY DUMB."