Help--My Husband's Been Brainwashed

So very long ago I can't remember exactly when, my husband joined a fitness cult called CrossFit. I call it a cult because that's what it is. I am just thankful that the leader has not had them drink the Kool-Aid yet, although if he does it will surely be mixed into a whey protein shake.

I don't have the time right now to explain what he goes through on a daily basis as a member of this cult because he's in the next room and I want to finish this post before he asks what I'm writing about. Anyway, what I want to share is the latest challenge Mitch has been given, and how if he does it he'll earn an extra five points, which for a CrossFitter is like 72 virgins when he gets to Heaven. Here it is: He wants to carry me on his back for seven minutes. Somehow if he does that he will meet the requirements of carrying the heaviest thing he can find that he can actually pick up. Plus, if I hold on it will be easier for him because he won't have to grip the load.

I said no. Repeatedly. Now he is sulking and sort of angry, but mostly worried that he will have disappointed his teammates. I ask why he must do this, and he says, "Life as prescribed." Like that's good or something. Uh oh, he's coming...