Stuff Nobody Needs

I thought I had everything I needed to live an extraordinary, unusual life, since who among us wants to be ordinary, but then I went to the post office to pick up my mail, and Angie said, "I think you got something good in there." Amidst the detritus of junk mail and charity letters and credit card offers and political propaganda was a catalog called uncommongoods. Right away the lower case lettering signified it was something special. Turns out there are tons of things I don't need but could have that are truly uncommon.

Perfect for the seagoing vegetarian on your Christmas list!

For example, I could have a handmade, wooden side table with solid oak legs, in the shape of the state of Maine, or any state I want for that matter--I don't think they care where you actually live--although Alaska, Florida, Hawaii and Maryland are currently unavailable, which sucks for them. (It's only $200, plus shipping and handling, some assembly required.) Or I could have a Rowboat Salad Bowl, which is a salad bowl in the shape of a rowboat, that comes with "oars" to serve the salad with, and is "guaranteed to make a splash." (Also available in a Wheel Barrow.) I could have a set of four china Pizza Plates that are shaped like pieces of pizza, on which to serve pieces of pizza. Why? Just 'cause.

There is a lot more, but none of it makes me happy--not the Mushroom Kit, or the Musical Wine Glasses, or the Baseball Bat Bottle Openers. In fact, it's all depressing, and I remind myself to tell Angie. However, inside the catalog, on the page that tells you that the Director of Product Development graduated from Cornell but knew she wasn't meant to have a conventional career so she went to work at UncommonGoods because they value non-conformity, we learn that "everything we sell is made without harm to animals." At least that.