Earth: Why It's the Lonely Planet

Aliens arriving here from a distant planet and perusing our Internet, which of course they could figure out in a nanosecond, would assume that nobody on Earth knows anything at all. That would explain the prevalence of homemade videos explaining the simplest things. 

What they might not know is that Earthlings post videos hoping they will go viral and make them lots of money, which happens rarely and usually only if the person in the video is topless, or the video promises eternal youth without surgery, or it's by or about Kim Kardashian who has some strange hold over the young who worship her big fat chemical ass.

This morning I got up, ate breakfast and checked my email account. In that brief span of time I came across instructions on the following things:

There are clothes in my closet that I don't wear correctly and if I watch a certain lady's video, she will show me how to combine the items I already own into a stunning wardrobe that I never imagined. 

Eating dairy is either good for me or bad for me depending on what other foods I eat. I could learn how to eat cheese correctly to maximize my health.

Ozempic is not just for weight loss, it's also good for old people for other reasons. I don't want to know and move on.

I wake up tired because I am sleeping on the wrong pillow. I can learn about the right pillow for my body type and buy it today.

I have been scrambling eggs incorrectly my whole life and never knew it! Here is the right way.

For women over a certain age, applying makeup is like rocket science. I can learn how and get rid of my under-eye bags at the same time.

Just sitting in a chair and doing certain  exercises for 30 days, I can reach my goal weight.

You can make an easy, 1-pot dinner using ground meat, cheddar cheese, canned peas, potato chips,  mayonnaise, bread crumbs, tortillas, eggs and sour cream.

There are pants that are smarter than jeans and more comfortable than leggings. Who knew?

And more like that. The best thing about all of those videos are the comments left by viewers, most of whom trash whatever is being touted as bullshit, crazy, stupid, know-nothing, disgusting, pointless and a complete waste of time. Those are both fun to read and really scary, showing the deep-seated, mean-spirited nature of all Earthlings. This is why there are no aliens from other planets walking around here: They leave immediately once they size up the situation.