Waking Up Unwoke Words

An article in today's Portland Press Herald details efforts being made to change terms for un-woke terminology to "show more respect for criminals." No longer should it be acceptable to call someone a prisoner, inmate or repeat offender; after all, it makes them sound like bad people! So the Maine Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers supports rewriting state statutes to remove offensive language, saying, "Words matter. The words we choose and the language we use signals to the world at large the things and people we value -- and those that we don't." 

Hey, just because someone has a rap sheet a mile long and reportedly rejects the limits of the law, they are still of value, right? So from now on, "prisoner, inmate or convict" will become a "resident of a correctional facility" or a "resident of a jail." A "drug user" is more appropriately described as "a person who uses drugs," while "a mentally ill person" should be called "a person who is mentally ill." 

To further wake up our language, I suggest the following changes to some very un-woke words:

Thief - This common word implies that someone is prone to stealing. Instead, say "a person lacking the funds to support his desires."

Dog - Once called "man's best friend," the term has sunk to new lows. Too often a bad movie, an ugly woman and an unjust law are often referred to as "real dogs." To elevate our four-legged friends to their rightful position as just below God, I suggest we say "Creature whose poop we carry."

Baby - The word implies someone who cries a lot, is unable to care for him or herself and who needs help doing the slightest thing. I suggest we replace it with "tiny human with undeveloped potential."

Nurse- Everyone thinks of nurses as people who empty bedpans and do the grunt work in hospitals. More truthful is admitting they actually do everything that matters in a medical setting while the doctors get all the glory just for dispensing drugs. From now on, instead of "nurse" we should say "grossly underpaid medical specialist."

Rapist - Admit it -- nobody likes a rapist. The word immediately makes the person sound bad. Instead, call them "a person who surprises strangers with forced sexual intercourse."