News Nobody Needs

Governor Andrew Cuomo has been found guilty on several counts of sexual harassment and many people in high places are calling for his resignation, and I don't care. I might have if he hadn't been responsible for the deaths of countless elderly people in nursing homes in New York, not to mention renaming my favorite-named bridge, The Tappan Zee, after his dead father, admittedly a good guy but really, Andrew Cuomo Bridge hardly evokes the literary mystique that the Hudson Valley deserves.

Gymnast Simone Biles came back to compete after pulling out due to mental issues, winning bronze, also known as third place, on the balance beam, and I don't care. I might have cared if I cared about balance beams or the Olympics or gymnastics in particular, but none of it matters, especially since I don't eat cereal which is where all those winning athletes seem to end up.

Comedian Kathy Griffin announced she has lung cancer and I don't care, in fact I'm sort of glad. I might have cared if she hadn't been so hateful a few years ago, carrying around a fake decapitated Trump head like it was funny. She claims she never smoked, so probably the bloodied head got her the cancer.