What It Means to Be Old

Every so often my husband, eleven years my junior and still interested in things, asks me, "What is it like to be old?" (Not really but I thought it was funny.) I tell him it has little to do with your age in years. It has nothing to do with wrinkled skin or physical decline, or even mental decline. It is simply letting go of popular culture and thus losing touch with the hoi-poloi who, after all, run things and keep The Olive Garden in business. 

My first mistake was not getting a Twitter account years ago because I thought it was dumb. I still do, but apparently everyone who's anyone, including captains of industry and political leaders, people far older than me, is busy tweeting.

So, not being on Twitter I still don't understand what a hashtag is, despite my son explaining it to me countless times. I suppose I get it, sort of, but again, it seems pointless. Why would you want to go where everyone else is? I'm mystified.

Next came TikTok, something which I have yet to see or certainly understand. But yesterday's New York Times printed an article about "the greatest TikTok star ever," or at least today -- a young girl who posts videos of her life from her bedroom and now she's rich and famous and so is her entire family, all of them making deals for TV shows, product endorsements and who knows what else since I stopped reading.

Suddenly I realized that millions of people are spending their time looking at smart phones or iPads or computers and watching other people who are actually living life. And meanwhile I'm just living my own life and have never even heard a song by Adele. (Is she still popular?) Instead, today I'm sad that Ed Asner died.

That's old.

I'd Rather Be Hairy Than Fat

Some 27-year-old songwriter you never heard of recently shared a photo of herself online with her arms extended over her head, the better to exhibit her armpit hair. This is supposedly very forward-thinking of her, and thus solicited many oohs, ahhs and likes from her Twitter fans, who thanked her for being "an inspiration," even though she is white and as we know all white people are scum. 

The woman, Julia Michaels, explained that she had been "fed up with beauty standards for some time now," and so she decided to take this very brave stand against women shaving their armpits.

These days I need a heavy dose of Pepto-Bismol after reading most of the crap that passes for "news" on the Internet. Young people with nothing better to do spend hours looking at this garbage and think they are contributing to society. They are not. In fact hardly anyone is, which is why America's rankings on all charts are slipping, except for the most obese nation where we are number one.

Heaven and Hell On Earth

As everyone knows, things in Kabul these days are hellish, with streets full of rubble, bombs exploding, soldiers patrolling, gangs of thugs beating people, dust everywhere, not enough food, terrified people dressed in rags and often barefoot. I see this on the news but have not personally experienced any of it. 

Instead, I spent these past few days in a place that's the exact opposite of Kabul: the eastern end of Long Island, New York. This area includes the famous "Hamptons" -- East, West, South and Bridge, as well as the towns of Sag Harbor, Greenport, Water Mill, Peconic, and the fabulous Shelter Island, reachable only by ferry. The only things exploding in all of those places were bank accounts, to an almost unfathomable degree.

Driving from town to town we passed acres of grape orchards, dozens of wineries and lots of decked out farm stands selling luscious local produce. Approaching the villages we drooled over beautiful oceanfront homes mostly hidden from view behind ten-foot tall hedges. The commercial downtown areas were all quite similar one to another: lovely tree-lined streets full of high-end shops, ultra-expensive cars, pristine art galleries, fancy restaurants and lively outdoor cafes catering to a mostly white clientele. Often the town had a marina filled with sailboats, pleasure cruisers and personal yachts, a few roughly the size of the QEII.

Vacations are meant to be relaxing. But with suicide bombings and dead Marines dominating the news, sometimes it's hard to enjoy a world of plenty when so many have almost nothing.

What's A Party Without Larry David?

Our president is demented. By that I mean he has dementia. That's a really big problem, you must admit, much bigger than F.D.R. needing a wheelchair and Bill Clinton being a sexual predator. And way bigger than Donald Trump having bad hair.

In fact, exactly what was wrong with Trump? His hair? His orange skin tone? The fact that he called Rosie O'Donnell fat? I was never quite sure of the source of all that hate and vitriol directed at him. Supposedly he was too rude and crude and called "some Mexicans" rapists and drug dealers, which some of them actually are.

Well Joe Biden is certainly not too rude, but he's definitely too moronic. So obviously he is not running the show, we can only guess who is and I'm guessing Barack Obama, you know, the guy who invited 500 people to his birthday party but then scaled it back to 300, like that was better, by "disinviting" people. I have never like Obama much, despite having donated to his campaign when he ran the first time, but the fact that he disinvited Larry David to his party seals the deal for me. 

War for Dummies

This morning I read an article online entitled, "How to Cut An Avocado." It told me nothing new; how could it? But it alerted me to the fact that there must be lots of folks out there working with little brain function. 

If only there had been an article printed months ago entitled, "How to Leave a 20-Year War." It could have greatly helped Joe Biden and his handlers, many of whom apparently suffer from that same lame-brain condition so prevalent among Democrats.

Former President Trump was interviewed on TV last week and described how it could have, and should have, been done with no loss of life. He would have left our strong military leadership on the ground in Afghanistan, protecting the major airports, checkpoints along the way and all other strategic areas. Next there would have been an orderly evacuation of the Americans and Afghans who worked for us, and finally all our valuable military equipment (now in the hands of the Taliban), before gradually drawing down our troops. 

Hard to believe they did it all ass-backwards. Whose side are they on?

Out of the Closet: I Like Trump

My husband's horrible relatives, a group of non-thinking, overweight automatons, continue to dog him on Facebook because he voted for Trump in the last election. They persist in the belief that, "Everyone who voted for Trump is a Nazi," and that includes Mitch. This is laughable at the very least and pathetic at its core: they know nothing about people who think differently than they do since they rarely spend any time listening, only shouting filthy obscenities at the opposition between stuffing their faces in order to reach such gargantuan sizes.

This latest round of Facebook fighting has prompted me to come out of the closet: I voted for Trump and I'm glad I did. And yes, I believe the last election was rigged and that he was going to win, so the Democrats shut down the whole business for the night until they could come up with some devious footwork to save the day and usher in the old fool we've got now.

I wish Trump were president today. America would be much better off. Also, I miss Melania who is beautiful and gracious and sweet. I was never crazy about the Trump kids and could do without them butting into things. Despite that, the following things are true about me:

I don't own a MAGA hat and have never attended a Trump rally and never would. I'm not an idiot.

I am also not a Nazi. I am a Jew and think Nazis are sick lowlife morons who should be shot on sight and thrown into a dirt grave like they did to all those Jews during the war.

I have never owned a gun or a pickup truck.

I believe in abortion and if I didn't I'd have a passel of grandkids today.

I love gay men, although I must admit that lesbians make me a little nauseous and I honestly think transgenders have a mental illness.

I am completely in favor of legal immigration, even though I am no fan of Mexican food.

I am not a racist. None of my friends who voted for Trump are racists, although a couple of my close Democrat friends admit to an intense and lifelong dislike of black and brown people.

My one and only prejudice is against fat people, who I consider to be unhealthy, gluttonous, rude, lazy and repulsive to look at, not to mention a drain on our economy and health care system.

 

Getting Hooked on Boosters

So they came up with a vaccine that has prevented many people from contracting Covid. At least the declining death statistics suggest that. But the vaccine isn't so great that you can just get one, like some other vaccines. No, you need two of them a few weeks apart for it to work.

Okay, fine, I'm down with that, I guess, even though I'm not quite sure why they just can't give you one dose that's strong enough, like the ones for tetanus and diphtheria and shingles and smallpox and some others.

But now it turns out that actually even two shots don't do the trick, and so we now need a third shot, euphemistically called a "booster." But wait a minute -- wasn't that second shot the booster? Here's the definition: "An additional dose of an immunizing agent, such as a vaccine or toxoid, given at a time after the initial dose to sustain the immune response elicited by the previous dose of the same agent."

So now our booster needs a booster! What if our booster's booster needs a booster? Maybe they should go back to the drawing board and work on finding a vaccine that actually works right out of the gate, just to mix a few metaphors.

Just Shut Your Mouth, Fatty!

 

Admit It: Trump Was Better

If you insist on keeping your head buried in the sand and never watch FOX News, then you missed last night's hour-long interview with former president Trump on the Sean Hannity Show. Not being fans of Hannity but being avid channel surfers, my husband and I stumbled on it and were glad we did. It reminded us in glaring detail how much better things were when Trump was in office.

For example, China and Russia respected and feared us, we enjoyed good relations with North Korea, gas cost a lot less, unemployment was low, our southern border was secure, and most importantly all was calm in Afghanistan with only 2,500 troops on the ground there, far fewer than what we have now in our desperate scramble to save lives after Biden's miscalculated exit strategy went wildly off the rails.

You might have had your reasons for hating Trump, but after that interview you would have been forced to agree he was a strong leader who dealt with America's standing in the world far better than the brittle simp we have now. Yes he was gruff and brash, and for some reason his hairstyle bothered people. Big deal! Personally I find it annoying that Joe Biden looks like he's held together with paper and paste and lacks any discernible lips.

Suing John Travolta, Maybe

I missed one of Hollywood's greatest movies!

Bob Dylan, now 80, is currently being sued by a 68-year-old woman who claims he sexually abused her in 1965 when she was 12. Her suit was filed one day before the New York State law allowing her to do so would expire. The woman is seeking financial compensation for a disappointing life during which she has experienced depression, humiliation, anxiety and financial losses. 

Who hasn't? Certainly not me, so I'm wondering who I can sue. 

Surely there was some man in my past who took advantage of me sexually, I'm just not remembering. Oh yeah, when I was 16 I got drunk at a party, and unlike Christine Balsey Ford I know exactly where it was and how I got drunk: the screwdriver someone handed me was spiked. I spent the entire evening passed out on a pile of coats in an upstairs bedroom. Who's to say someone didn't come in and do dastardly things to me? Heck, maybe it was even a future movie star. If only I could come up with a name....

Well, there was that time I was the escort for John Travolta at the Kennedy Center Honors for an entire weekend. That was certainly humiliating and depressing -- I had a huge crush on him at the time and he never once made a pass at me. In fact all he did was preen in the mirror and worry about his hair for three days. Plus it was a volunteer position, so there were financial losses as well since I took time off from my job on that Friday to fulfill my duties. The whole experience gave me anxiety and was the reason I never saw Grease, which won all kinds of awards and everyone says was great. 

I'm calling my lawyer.

The Rise of Mediocrity

"Happy Birthday To Me!"

I have never watched a Tik Tok video. Nor have I ever tweeted anything, not having a Twitter account. The only people who influence me are my cat, who while not strictly a person acts like one, and my husband and my son. Other than that I take instructions from no one, at least not anyone I know in person. And being a pretty typical, run-of-the-mill sort, and having met a bunch of know-it-alls in my lifetime, I have to assume that most people feel the same way.

So how is it that there are so many "influencers" on Instagram who actually earn a very decent living by telling young people how to live, what to wear, what music to listen to, etc.? Don't people come with their own brains anymore?

These are truly scary times, when mediocrity passes for excellence. Consider that Anthony Fauci is considered an "expert" and has failed miserably on dealing with Covid, and Kamala Harris is next in line to become president but is clueless about almost everything, and Barack Obama actually was president and has morphed into a teeny-bopper celebrity groupie who threw himself a big birthday party for turning 60, like that's something special. 

Doctor, Heal Thyself: Answer the Damn Phone!

Dr. Lego will see you now....

I suggest if you are feeling poorly just call 911. Sure, the ambulance will cost you, but at least you'll get somebody to listen to your complaints and possibly come up with a solution, although as all the intelligent doctors age out of the system and are replaced with dummy millennials whose go-to skills are Googling your symptoms, good luck with that. 

Nobody in the medical profession answers the phone anymore. Instead they have some chirpy lady make a recording which says how important your call is to them. Well if it's so damn important then why don't they pick up the phone and find out why you're calling? And why don't they ever call back, even after you leave repeated messages giving them, of course, your name and birthdate and your reason for calling?

This happened to me yesterday when I had the unfortunate circumstance of needing advice from MAINE ORTHODONTICS, where I purchased my Invisalign braces almost three years ago. At the time it was headed by a wonderful man named Dr. Thomas A. Stegemann, but he retired a year ago and his young colleagues, a married couple named Drs. Shuman and Razzaghi who are totally clueless when it comes to so many things, like taking care of patients for one, inherited the practice.

I called their office four times during the day, each time leaving a detailed message regarding my situation (which I will not bore you with here but suffice it to say I needed an answer), and each time I heard that same voice chirp, "We are either on the phone or helping other customers." I say, "Bullshit!"

Anyway, do not go to MAINE ORTHODONTICS for your Invisalign braces! They charge $6,000 and you can get them for less elsewhere, and from nicer people. Better yet, just build an orthodontist from a Lego set. It will be just as responsive.

Cuomo's Costanza Defense

Governor Cuomo relaxing in his office?

One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld involved George Costanza, Jerry's hapless sidekick, having sex with an office cleaning lady on his desk, after hours of course. When confronted about this the next day by his boss, George laments, "Was that wrong? Because if anyone had told me that was wrong, I wouldn't have done it."

This came to my mind watching Governor Andrew Cuomo's resignation speech yesterday, during which he never once mentioned the real reason he was resigning. Instead he claimed that recent events had become a distraction and that in his mind, he had never once "crossed the line." It was just that he hadn't realized "to what extent the line has been redrawn."

As if closing his office door and trapping a female employee therein, then putting his hand under her blouse and cupping her breast despite her protesting, or rubbing the buttocks of another employee during a photo shoot, were ever considered okay. Surely, we are to understand, if he had known that behavior was wrong he wouldn't have done it.

I'm guessing the former governor was a Seinfeld fan.

There's More to Death Than Covid

My husband has been sick for nine days now. His alarming symptoms include gargantuan extended coughing jags that could wake the dead, possibly the neighbors and certainly his wife sleeping in the next room to escape the dreaded droplets being expectorated. A slight fever comes and goes, worsening at night. Bottom line: He feels like shit, has been listless and lacking energy, and the constant sneezing and wheezing adds to his misery. (And mine.) 

Naturally a call to the doctor was made. Actually several calls, all of which which resulted in being put on hold for as long as forty minutes, listening to the vapid recordings until a receptionist answered and promised she would tell a nurse his symptoms who would then talk to a doctor and someone would call back when Hell freezes over. That's the state of private medicine today; imagine what it will be like if the government takes over.

When Mitch finally was granted a visitation to a medical facility, he was immediately given a Covid test. It was negative, but so what -- he was still sick as a dog. A return trip to the doctor a few days later when he seemed to be worsening involved another Covid test. Still negative, and still sick. 

Today he is going for a third visit to the Urgent Care associated with our family practice. The nurse told him on the phone he must have a Covid test before entering the building. That will be test number 3. He could have lung cancer, bronchitis, pneumonia or bubonic plague, any of which might worsen and kill him, but apparently what matters these days is whether you die from Covid-19 and thus increase your state's numbers, possibly forcing bars and restaurants to close.

The good news is that you die of something other than Covid, schools can remain open. But it's likely people will still have to wear a mask at your funeral.

Science Never Lies

For all you gullible people out there who think Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner is now a woman and Ellen "Elliot" Page is now a man, yet insist that everyone "follow the science" when it comes to Covid-19 precautions, I offer the two illustrations below. The top one shows the inner workings of the reproductive system of a female; the bottom shows that of a male.

You can lop off all the breasts you want, take hormones to grow a beard or get more muscular, but the SCIENCE remains. Case closed. 

Free Andrew Cuomo

Clinton giving Cuomo some pointers on how it's done.

How can celebrities bear being famous? What's in it for them? I get bummed out if I go to the supermarket and run into two different people I know. I think, "What's up? Are they following me?" And no I'm not paranoid, but it irks me that any distant acquaintance can look right into my grocery cart, uninvited, and instantly know that I overbuy cat food and spend big bucks on fancy cheeses.

So imagine the life of a celebrity, where every little thing they do, eat, wear, buy or say is magnified a thousand times and often wrongly reported. Where there is no such thing as privacy. It's a wonder we don't have more celebrities committing suicide daily.

Take Governor Andrew Cuomo, who in my opinion is little more than a touchy-feely guy not unlike a lot of my old uncles and the friends of my parents, all now long gone. There was always that "type" who liked to hug and squeeze you, and kiss you on the lips....oooh, gross ... but meant no harm. It strikes me that Cuomo is one of those, just like Joe Biden only younger and not the president. Certainly Cuomo is not a rapist or true sexual predator like Bill Clinton, who for reasons unfathomable to mere peons like myself remains every Democrat's darling. Even CNN's pundit Jeffrey Toobin is worse, masturbating during a Zoom meeting yet he's back at work! (Not in jail.)

If Cuomo were not famous -- or better-looking and with more friends in high places -- his penchant for creepiness wouldn't raise an eyebrow. Instead, because his face looks like a worn leather bag, there's talk of prison for the poor man. I say just kick him out of office and let him alone. Better yet, force him to live with his obnoxious brother Chris. Now that's punishment.

Loners Anonymous Summer Meeting

Anxiety, depression and suicides are up among Generation Z-ers (born between 1995 and 2010) because they spend their entire lives online. Online is a bad place where nothing is real and everyone lies and if you tell the truth you get censored or cancelled. So these poor young people assume they are the only ones who are unhappy, and naturally that makes them feel even worse about themselves.

Sadly, truth is a dying art. This pisses me off since I am compelled to speak the truth at all costs (although I do keep secrets I have sworn not to tell and not if it hurts my son). Thus I am often shunned. Which means that the friendships I maintain are with other truth-tellers and truth-seekers, or at least truth-respecters, the best kind of people and the only ones worth my time.

Years ago I lost a good friend because I refused to have my young son, who was 12 at the time, do an overnight with her older son, a 24-year-old schizophrenic with a violent history. Oddly enough she found that offensive and "unsupportive." I lost another, a serial aborter, when I advised that abortion may not always be the best option and perhaps she should use birth control or stop sleeping around. She never spoke to me again.

Another friend, obese by any measure, always made fun of me for ordering salads when we dined out, as opposed to her polishing off huge platters of poutine no matter where we ate. I ended that one; who needs to be mocked for eating well? And another one bit the dust when she said my paintings suggested I am crazy and need therapy. Hey, I may be crazy and I might need therapy, but my paintings are certainly quite normal-looking.

Moral of the Story: If you want a lot of friends, just lie about everything. Otherwise plan to spend a lot of time alone.

News Nobody Needs

Governor Andrew Cuomo has been found guilty on several counts of sexual harassment and many people in high places are calling for his resignation, and I don't care. I might have if he hadn't been responsible for the deaths of countless elderly people in nursing homes in New York, not to mention renaming my favorite-named bridge, The Tappan Zee, after his dead father, admittedly a good guy but really, Andrew Cuomo Bridge hardly evokes the literary mystique that the Hudson Valley deserves.

Gymnast Simone Biles came back to compete after pulling out due to mental issues, winning bronze, also known as third place, on the balance beam, and I don't care. I might have cared if I cared about balance beams or the Olympics or gymnastics in particular, but none of it matters, especially since I don't eat cereal which is where all those winning athletes seem to end up.

Comedian Kathy Griffin announced she has lung cancer and I don't care, in fact I'm sort of glad. I might have cared if she hadn't been so hateful a few years ago, carrying around a fake decapitated Trump head like it was funny. She claims she never smoked, so probably the bloodied head got her the cancer.

Open Your Mind

Doctors performing brain surgery on a Democrat.

I am in favor of abortions and have had several. I do not own a gun and would not under any circumstances. I have never driven a pickup truck. I hate country music. I am not religious. I have many gay friends. I currently smoke pot and tried LSD long ago, as well as a few other recreational drugs popular during my youth. I attended the Woodstock music festival. I am fully vaccinated against Covid, as are all of my friends, some of whom share my political leanings.

A former employee of The Democratic National Committee and up-til-then hardcore Democrat, I have voted Republican since the sexual predator Bill Clinton came on the scene in his boxers, or was it briefs, wearing shades and playing the saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show. (What an a-hole.)

So please stop saying "All Republicans this," or "All Republicans that," like they do in the New York Times. It's embarrassing. Instead, open your mind to the possibility that everyone knows what's best for them.