Cartoon Dogs Are Better

There's nothing more annoying than having someone tell you how to live your life, as if they know what's best for you, what will make you happiest, what will satisfy your innermost desires, none of which they have any idea about. I mean really, is there?

I have a friend who thinks I should get a dog. She says this because I love dogs and whenever I meet one I shower it with affection. This, to her, is proof that I should own a dog. I say no thanks, I've had enough dogs die on my watch, I cannot take the heartache. Plus it's hard enough to travel with just a cat at home, I'm not up for the pain of finding a dog-sitter, or dog walker, or whatever, in order to live my life outside my home.

Dogs are cute in cartoons. Snoopy regularly dispenses profound life lessons and Brian, the talking dog on TV's "Family Guy," goes drinking with family members who want company. But in real life they do no such things. Instead they get cancer, get run over, get lost and get ticks. They fight with other dogs. They bite the neighbor's kid (maybe, this has never occurred with any of my dogs but I've heard stories). They need to go to the vet all the time, and you need to take them there. You have to play with them constantly and walk them in blizzards, heat waves, thunderstorms, hurricanes and tsunamis, at all hours of day or night and in whatever condition you may be in -- drunk, stoned, exhausted, depressed or just plain lazy -- or else they will pee and poop in your home.

I say all this to my friend and she says, as if I am clueless when it comes to understanding myself, "A dog would make you so happy. They're good company. Blah, blah, blah....."

I hate that.