If You're Not Woke, Are You Sleep?

Suddenly, it seems, my standard-issue down coat that I bought two winters ago is a Puffer Coat. That's the term everyone uses, and if you don't you are simply not woke. You are sleep.

I guess I was asleep when the change happened, and when a friend asked me if I had a puffer coat I said no, what is it? Then I put on my down coat, and she said, "You do have one after all!" I'd better get with the program or else suffer the consequences, which could be dire. For example, saying "colored people" makes you a racist pig who favors lynchings, slavery, the Klan and Jim Crow laws, but saying "people of color" makes you woke. You don't want to make that mistake, trust me.

What I want to know is who decides these things. Is there a building somewhere that houses distinguished linguists who determine what's okay to say and what's outdated, or worse -- just plain wrong? Where is this building? Who are these people? Are they responsible for the moronic, "It is what it is" and "At the end of the day?" If so, it's best they remain in hiding.

BTW, I hate that whole woke business. It's clearly the wrong tense. Shouldn't it be awake? And what about word? I don't get that one at all.