Nothing to See Here

Flo counting her money.

I am at home making applesauce. I am not topless. I am not doing drugs or drinking to excess. I do not have a squadron of hunky men cavorting about, attempting to fulfill my wanton desires. I don't even have wanton desires. I never wear high heels or perfume, have never dated George Clooney and have not changed gender. I am boring. I am nobody. Thus, whatever I say here is meaningless -- until I become famous, at which point every last word will command a high price.

This is a sorry state of affairs, since there are so many talented people in the world who will pass through it unseen and unappreciated because they lack the one thing necessary to be catapulted to stardom. I have no idea what that one thing is, but that horrible woman who plays Flo on those stupid Progressive Insurance commercials does.

Flo is famous! She makes tons of money! People recognize her, and I am betting she can get a damn good table in any restaurant she wants, at least for lunch. This is nothing less than a crime against humanity.