Kindling for Your Kindle

I remember a time when books were painstakingly written by diligent authors who demanded our intelligence. Not anymore. After a quick glance of the New York Times Book Review, I've concluded that current best-sellers don't even need an author anymore, just a famous name and in tiny print underneath, a ghost writer who can also take dictation.

Popular books today tell you how to live your own life or divulge in sickening detail how other people have screwed up theirs. No longer aiming for our brains, political pundits and rehabbed celebrities simply go for the gut. The good news is that there's a bottomless pit of unwritten books waiting for a motivated writer with a hashtag and and a few thousand Facebook friends. Hoping to strike it rich in 2015, here are a few of my ideas:

1. "Who's Had What Done?" You catch a glimpse of your favorite celebrity somewhere, likely in a TV commercial for hair color or insurance. You think something's different, but you're not sure what. It's hard to keep up. WHWD?  will answer those burning questions, like: Who's had more surgery, Cher or Chaz? How come Goldie Hawn still looks like that and she's exactly my age? Whatever happened to those bags under Hillary Clinton's eyes? Where is  Andie MacDowell's real face? Filled with tons of before and after pictures, it's the ultimate coffee table book on who's had what nipped, tucked, removed, burned off, cemented on, lifted, implanted or injected.

2. "Truly Revealing Underwear" Bikinis or briefs, boxers or French cut: What does it all mean? Can a woman who wears white cotton briefs find happiness with a man who wears silk boxers?  Are flannel long johns ever appropriate outside of New England? And just what kind of self-hating maniac wears footy pajamas? Taking a giant step beyond horoscopes, and way cheaper than joining Match.com, this handy guide will offer another route to finding compatibility with a mate.

3. "Recipes from Death Row" Inspired by my grandmother, who took thousands of her best recipes with her to the grave, this quirky cookbook will offer family favorites from folks about to be executed. (Just because someone is a psycho killer or serial murderer doesn't mean he or she can't cook.) Filled with lively anecdotes from fellow inmates, interviews with prison chefs and exciting last meal menus, it will give new meaning to the term "fried food."

4. "Gender for Dummies" Surely this has happened to you: You're dining out and your server comes to take your order. He/she sports a long ponytail and tasteful diamond stud earrings and wears slacks and a shirt, just like all the other employees. Searching for clues, you detect a hint of blush and perhaps a touch of eyeliner. He/she would be a perfect fix-up for your sister or brother, but you're not sure which. Also, should you say "miss" or "sir" to get his/her attention? Finally, foolproof ways to make the diagnosis (i. e., hairy knuckles, neck stubble) without embarrassment.

5. "Public Restroom Dos and Don'ts" Everyone knows that the giant, empty stall the size of a motel room in the far corner is provided for people in wheelchairs. We all respect that, and certainly we all applaud that. But what about when there's a long line, like at the theater, and nobody waiting is handicapped yet the Big One remains empty? While the special stall needs to be available, must it be immediately available? Do handicapped people have a more urgent need? Other topics covered include real vs. fake hand-washing, what to do when the automatic flush activates at an inopportune moment, impromptu toilet paper solutions and where to hang your purse.