Feet Don't Fail Me Now

One good thing about bad things happening to you is that you get smarter. I am not going all the way to "that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger," since stronger and smarter are two entirely different things. Besides, if something nearly kills you but you survive, you could be a whole lot weaker afterwards, like say a shark attack took off a few limbs and you lived. But you would be smarter about shark attacks, that's for sure. An expert, even.

And so today I am now an expert on something entirely new: plantar fasciitus, a nasty little foot problem that has struck me down in my post-prime. After hours and hours of scholastic research spanning two days, followed by controlled experiments with various treatments and exercises, and a touch of acupuncture, I am ready to present my freshly-mined expertise:

1. Plantar fasciitus hurts like a mother#%@*er, especially first thing in the morning when you get out of bed and try to stand up without screaming. This is all but impossible so warn your sleeping partner if you still have one, since this also puts you in a foul mood that is unpleasant for those around you. To avoid divorce, stretch your foot back and forth and around in circles for ten minutes while you are still in bed before you attempt to stand.
2. A frozen 12 oz. plastic water bottle is the best way to loosen the tightened muscles in the affected foot. In a seated position, and with a sock on the foot in question, roll the bottle back and forth, pressing down on it hard for 10 minutes, four times a day.
3. All the stuff you can buy on the Internet -- the socks, the fancy orthotic inserts, those special roly-poly sneakers, the night guards, the tapes, the topical creams -- might just be a lot of expensive hooey. (Regarding the medical industry, "hooey" is its middle name.) I bought a pair of gel orthotics and stuck them inside my shoes and they just make the pain worse. I am not a doctor, but worse pain seems like a bad sign.
4. Much of what I have read suggests that one stricken with this condition should never walk barefoot, but walking barefoot hurts the least, so WTF? Besides, what would a caveman do?

This unfortunate condition affects 10% of adults in this country, most of whom vent their pain and frustration online in the comments sections following articles on how to fix it. The typical sufferer has bought all the stuff and reports that none of it works and they've been suffering for years. Since plantar fasciitus can last for days, weeks, months or years, I am choosing the days option and buying as little as possible.