Volunteering to Waste My Time

Last year I began the arduous process of becoming a volunteer at a local hospital that I won't name because that would be mean. Besides, I might get sick and end up in their ER, so it's best to stay friends.

It started in late August with an online application. After that was approved I was invited to an orientation meeting which took about an hour, not counting the half hour drive there and back. Next I went to an interview with the head of the volunteer program, followed by another orientation meeting, and then a training session on proper hand-washing, another on how to talk to patients and another to tour the hospital, have my ID badge photo taken and pick out my "uniform." (I had a choice of a fleece vest or a cotton cardigan, each imprinted with the hospital name and the words VOLUNTEER AMBASSADOR. I went with the cardigan.) Every step occurred on a different day and required me to drive downtown, find a place to park, then drive home again of course.

Once I was approved to work for no pay, I then had to have a TB test, wait a month, have another TB test, two blood tests and a couple of immunizations. By now we were deep into November.

Finally I was ready to "job shadow," which I did two weeks in a row to observe two other volunteers performing the same job I would be doing. After that I started for real, deemed ready to do what all my training had been leading up to: Push a cart around the pediatric ward and dispense fun-sized Halloween candies to the doctors and nurses on duty. That was the number one task. Really. Apparently they work so hard and are so stressed that they need the sugar, or something. Anyway, they all seemed really excited to get the candy. None of them ever spoke to me at all, they just chose their candies and walked away.

After the candy dispensing was done I walked around and knocked on all the doors to all the patients' rooms, using hand sanitizer each time, and asked the distressed parents of the sick children if they needed anything. They all always said no.

After that I quit. (Actually I voiced my displeasure, told the docs and nurses they should not be eating candy in a pediatric ward, and was reassigned. Then I quit.)

Moral of the Story: Volunteers are unnecessary and anything vaguely important that needs being done is already being done by people who get paid to do it.