I imagine Heaven as a wonderful place where it never snows. It's always perfect weather, with lots of clouds floating around you can grab onto and use as recliners, sofas or even beds; sleeping is a popular activity there. There are no meals since you never get hungry, so you never eat badly and thus you're never constipated. Naturally heartburn is unheard of.
The best thing about Heaven is that right when you arrive, all memories of your time in Life are erased, so you won't miss those people you left behind. You finally stop crying because your kids never call or your husband forgets your birthday or you treated your parents really shabbily in your 20s and then they died and it was too late to rectify things.
All kinds of games are popular in Heaven, much better ones than we have here in Life. You play for the joy of playing: there is no keeping score, nobody is better than anyone else, there are no champions or losers, only winners. And no football, which almost goes without saying.
Nobody smokes cigarettes or does heroin or any drugs at all because everyone loves themselves. A dead person wouldn't dream of harming his or her own body, making the very idea of voluntarily consuming poison unthinkable. That's probably the best thing about Heaven: you've arrived at your final destination and so you want to stay in great shape since we are talking Eternity. Also, there are no doctors -- most of them have either gone in the other direction, if you get my drift, and those who do make the cut are immediately transformed into gardeners or harpists.
There is music, of course, since every musician who ever lived and then died went straight to Heaven, even the ones who OD'd on something. You can just imagine the kind of concerts there are; they put Woodstock to shame.
There are no religions and everyone there plays nice. All those bad guys who were counting on going there and getting 72 virgins are nowhere to be seen. The word on the street is that they went straight south into the fiery pits of Hell.
Funny thing about Hell: Even though there are fires burning everywhere it snows constantly and there is absolutely no place to park, the sidewalks are very icy and treacherous, and there is no toilet paper to be found. Ditto snow shovels. It snows day in and day out, with the piles getting higher and higher, and your car gets stuck in deep ruts of snow, and you get to the point that you can't take one more day of it and then there's more, and a blizzard is forecast every third day, with new snow totals breaking records, and the bimbos on the weather channel wearing sexy dresses and 4-inch heels tell you how dangerously cold the frigid temperatures are and to stay indoors but watch out because roofs are collapsing. It's sort of like living in Boston, only without the great pizza.
The best thing about Heaven is that right when you arrive, all memories of your time in Life are erased, so you won't miss those people you left behind. You finally stop crying because your kids never call or your husband forgets your birthday or you treated your parents really shabbily in your 20s and then they died and it was too late to rectify things.All kinds of games are popular in Heaven, much better ones than we have here in Life. You play for the joy of playing: there is no keeping score, nobody is better than anyone else, there are no champions or losers, only winners. And no football, which almost goes without saying.
Nobody smokes cigarettes or does heroin or any drugs at all because everyone loves themselves. A dead person wouldn't dream of harming his or her own body, making the very idea of voluntarily consuming poison unthinkable. That's probably the best thing about Heaven: you've arrived at your final destination and so you want to stay in great shape since we are talking Eternity. Also, there are no doctors -- most of them have either gone in the other direction, if you get my drift, and those who do make the cut are immediately transformed into gardeners or harpists.
There is music, of course, since every musician who ever lived and then died went straight to Heaven, even the ones who OD'd on something. You can just imagine the kind of concerts there are; they put Woodstock to shame.
There are no religions and everyone there plays nice. All those bad guys who were counting on going there and getting 72 virgins are nowhere to be seen. The word on the street is that they went straight south into the fiery pits of Hell.
Funny thing about Hell: Even though there are fires burning everywhere it snows constantly and there is absolutely no place to park, the sidewalks are very icy and treacherous, and there is no toilet paper to be found. Ditto snow shovels. It snows day in and day out, with the piles getting higher and higher, and your car gets stuck in deep ruts of snow, and you get to the point that you can't take one more day of it and then there's more, and a blizzard is forecast every third day, with new snow totals breaking records, and the bimbos on the weather channel wearing sexy dresses and 4-inch heels tell you how dangerously cold the frigid temperatures are and to stay indoors but watch out because roofs are collapsing. It's sort of like living in Boston, only without the great pizza.
No comments:
Post a Comment