The following statements have nothing to do with my personal experience. Instead my assertions have been culled from friends and movies. As it happens, my own kid is perfect, as are all my own pets. I never draw from my own life for fear of getting in trouble, so the following subjects are off limits: Mental illness, obesity, sex, disappointment, depression, loneliness, gays, horrible family members and pathetic losers.
Kids can be taught to empty the dishwasher.
Pets can be trained to do anything.
Kids go to school, so you have a long break from them on weekdays.
Pets are home-schooled and always around, which gets on your nerves.
Kids rarely attack strangers unprovoked.
Pets vomit anywhere, often with no warning.
Kids can drive you to the ER.
Pets do not need shoes.
Kids are born cute but eventually grow out of it.
Pets stay adorable, perhaps with a bit of grey around the muzzle.
Kids say the darndest things.
Pets will never tell you to "Go fuck yourself."
Kids can eventually give you grandchildren.
Pets cannot knock up their girlfriend in high school.
Kids sometimes inherit your worst habits.
Pets never do drugs or become alcoholics.
Kids can grow up to be Mark Zuckerberg and pay for your retirement.
Pets stay with you until the bitter end. (Yours or theirs.)
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