Second in a Series: Extraordinary Ordinary People

 Mitch, right, befriending a homeless man in Boston.

Even though he leaves the garlic press clogged with dried garlic remains and has never cleaned it, not once in 28 years of marriage, and even though he belongs to a cult and is at this very moment brazenly driving to his morning CrossFit class in a mini-blizzard, I still believe that Mitch Rouda is the best hope for the Republican party in 2016. Of course he has a couple of skeletons in his closet --namely me and our son -- but neither of us has done jail time and we are both respectable citizens today, especially Zack.

Mitch graduated high school at 16 and attended an outstanding university. After that he traveled extensively, gaining tremendous perspective on how people live the world over. He has had a long and successful career running many businesses and managing enormous numbers of sometimes-pitiful employees, well preparing him to oversee that sorry bunch we call The Government. He has an incredible range of knowledge about current world events and history. He reads long and boring books that put me to sleep on page one. He sees the big picture. He is great at math and has a huge vocabulary, sometimes using words nobody has ever heard of. He is fair and balanced. He takes in all sides of an issue, digests what he has heard and then comes up with his own point of view. He does not simply parrot the pundits, like so many "real" politicians do.

Most important perhaps, Mitch is a great public speaker, combining humor with intelligence, and anyone who has seen him in action would agree that he can win over a crowd like nobody's business. He loves meeting people, and loves going to state fairs, and loves eating crappy food, so hitting the campaign trail would be no problem for him. He always upgrades to First Class when flying, so Air Force One would not intimidate him. He also has access to many other great minds, and his Cabinet would consist of others who are also smart, fair and politically savvy.

Finally, we have been wanting to move back to D.C., and having the White House ready and furnished would make the transition so much easier. As First Lady I would continue Michelle Obama's half-assed attempt at stopping the obesity epidemic, only I would do a full-assed job of it; in no time every American woman (and many illegals) would be wearing a size 10 and every man would have a flat stomach. (Paunches would be taxed, greatly reducing the federal deficit.)

Last but not least important in these ethnically-charged times, Mitch would be our first Jewish president, a fact underscored by his campaign slogan: "ROUDA: The Final Solution!"