Love Yourself, or Else

The worst feeling in the world is self-hatred, something with which I am all too familiar. It comes in waves, and suddenly you see clearly how you have allowed people to demean you and you have not defended yourself, dodging an ugly scene by telling yourself, "It just isn't worth it." But it turns out it is worth it because years later, whatever it was still haunts you.

For example, for eight years I continued a friendship with a woman who despised all Republicans, but somehow was not sharp enough to realize I was one, or at least I was on the verge of becoming one for some of that time. To avoid confrontation, I endured countless lunches listening to her rant about the worthless scum who voted for Donald Trump, never letting on that I was one of them and I am not worthless scum, whereas she might have been. 

Yes, a Democrat can be worthless scum too. Born in Maine, by the age of 63 she had never been outside the country, and hardly out of Maine for that matter, unless you count just over the border in Canada. She lived a small life and had a small mind, but still I liked her, mostly because she was a great veterinarian who virtually saved the life of one of my cats shortly after we moved here. I was forever grateful, and I had three cats and a dog, all of whom needed care from time to time, so finding a skilled vet was a very big deal. Besides, she had a decent sense of humor and that's a rare thing in these times and in these environs. 

Still, those dastardly lunches! (We never did dinner because her husband is agoraphobic and so it was always just the two of us.) Thai food and how much the Republicans suck. Craft beer, pizza and how much the Republicans suck. Caesar salad, burgers and how much the Republicans suck! And all the time there I was, nodding in agreement rather than have a scene. Finally, when I was down to just one cat -- by then Daisy, Gizmo and Rufus had all been euthanized by her -- I finally had enough and hit on the solution: Change vets, and possibly gain back my self-respect. 

But I feel sad that it took me so long. At the time, my need for friendship was stronger than my need for self-love. Now I know, it's all that matters. You are stuck with yourself, after everyone is gone. The death of my closest friend four months ago brought that into sharp focus and allowed me to finally stand up for myself and tell those other people, including a friend/lunatic who waltzed into my house last May to declare she didn't approve of my thoughts and so I'd better change them, to fuck off. (I only said that in my mind, I don't speak to people that way.)

If you have any friends who do not like "who you are," dump them. If you have friends who are critical of your politics and shove you in with the masses they read about in the paper, dump them. Because in the end, you are all you've got. And most of all, be proud of yourself because it's hard to find someone to sing your praises if you don't.