Watch Your Mouth

Sterling silver jigger, $750.00

Last night, mixing a drink for a dinner guest, I asked if she wanted one jigger or two of vodka. I was immediately chided by another guest for using that word. 

"What's wrong with saying jigger?" 

"It sounds racist, like that other word it rhymes with."

But it's not racist. A jigger is a measure, also known as a shot glass, used in mixing alcoholic drinks, and probably lots of other things too. But these days you can't be too careful. Anything can label you a racist, and that's the worst thing you can be. Worse than a murderer, embezzler or whatever else you can think of, being a racist makes you almost less than human.

Just to be sure, I looked up "jigger" online and found out it was perfectly fine to say, but I did discover a few other surprising words that are verboten. For example, you cannot say "peanut gallery," as in "Our opera seats were so cheap, we were sitting in the peanut gallery." That's because many years ago the cheap seats in a theater were occupied by African Americans. I always thought it meant you were eating peanuts up there, but no.

You should never say "no can do." Like if a friend asks you to help him move from his third floor walk-up into a fourth-floor walk-up, you might panic and say, "No can do, I have to take my mother for surgery that day, and also my car needs an oil change." Besides pissing off your friend who would know you're lying -- two excuses are always a giveaway -- you would be mocking Chinese immigrants by using that phrase; I guess at one time they did not use full sentences.

Don't say "gyp," as in "That guy gyped me when he charged five dollars for a two dollar lottery ticket."  You can punch him in the face, but saying "gyp" is a slur against gypsies, and God knows there are so many of those around these days, one could be standing right behind you on line at the convenience store.

Proving you are not a racist takes work. Make sure you have that sign out on your lawn, the one that says "Hate Has No Home Here,'' and try to say as little as possible when you are out in public. Never call anyone a thug, even if he is one. Also, keep a jigger handy at all times as you never know when you'll say the wrong thing. Alcohol helps.