Life's Lessons

Crazed man attempting suicide by hot dog ingestion.

By now (age 74) I should have learned a lot of useful information about how to live a successful life. I could die at any moment, and so the wisdom I have will die with me unless I write it down and offer it to my readers, most especially my own son who never reads this blog but surely will after I'm dead, and feel sorry he didn't when I was alive. Oh well, can't change that. Anyway, as I have done before, I will now list the things that are essential to enjoying this precious and fleeting time we have each been given here on Earth.

1. Take care of your body as it is the vehicle you wake up in every day and spend all your time inside. If you ruin it by making it sick, you will suffer greatly and miss out on much of the good stuff in life. This means eat well, exercise often and never knowingly ingest poisons. (For a list of poisons, see below.)

2. Avoid toxic relationships. It's so much better to go through life alone than stuck with people who drain your spirit by constantly criticizing your every move, denigrating your ideas and generally making you feel like an idiot, although I do maintain that nobody can make you feel like an idiot except yourself.

3. Learn how to control your thoughts. As thoughts are mere fantasy, they often run amok and destroy that desired state of grace called "peace of mind." Controlling them can be achieved in many ways, although I have found that having a mantra and repeating it when your thoughts turn negative does the trick.

4. Drink your coffee black. If not you will waste valuable time, adding up to days or even weeks over the course of your lifetime, running out of cream, or when dining out trying to find cream that isn't spoiled, or having to use that powdered coffee "whitener" or who knows what else. This is especially true for foreign travel. Just drink the damn coffee as God intended!

5. And speaking of God, belief in a Higher Power makes the whole thing so much easier to bear.

Poisons:

Killer Cheeto.

cotton candy
funnel cake
blueberry bagels
cyanide tablets
deep-fried chocolate covered Oreos
laundry pods
candy apples
Windex
caramel apples
peanut brittle
toilet bowl cleaner
Ben & Jerry's ice cream
cinnamon buns
white bread
Cheetos
bleach
hot dogs
formaldehyde
lead paint
cigarettes