Film Review: LITTLE WOMEN

The little women in their big hats. 

I can think of no reason to recommend seeing this movie unless you are on the lam from the police and need to hide out somewhere dark for two hours and 15 minutes. Yet oddly enough, Little Women has been nominated for six Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Costume Design, Best Original Score and Best Adapted Screenplay. Those categories are fine, I suppose, but to be more accurate I'd suggest the following ones:

Most Annoying Actress
As Mary March, the mother of all the little women, Laura Dern brings her usual squinty-eyed, sourpuss expression and pathetic acting skills to the proceedings. Here she adds little else to the role. Every time she comes on screen, you can't wait for her to leave.

Most Convincing Makeup
I sure hope it was makeup that turned the always radiant Meryl Streep into Aunt March, the bitter old crow aunt of the little women. She's very convincing, playing the part of the boring biddy so well I nodded off every time she showed up, maybe four times for three minutes each time.

Biggest Silly Hats
Least Testosterone
Most Obvious Author's Message
Least Interesting Storyline
Most Horse-Drawn Carriages
Biggest Waste of Chris Cooper's Talents

Considering this Little Women is a remake of a remake of a remake, and based on the novel they made us read in high school, it's amazing that I couldn't get everyone's names straight. But then in all fairness, I slept through the first half-hour and spent the last half-hour checking my watch, so I may have missed something of value. All I know for sure is that one little woman married a man who was in love with her sister and another little woman died, and I didn't care about any of it but the friend I was with spent a lot of time sniffling.