What's So Funny?

Yesterday when I picked up my mail at the post office, the current issue of The New Yorker topped the pile of unwanted magazines. This is where I toss my copy of Wine Spectator when it arrives each month despite my begging their head of circulation to stop sending it. Anyway, I grabbed The New Yorker since A, I am a New Yorker and B, I used to enjoy it back in the days before it became a liberal rag with an agenda and the cartoons were almost always funny. Turns out the cartoons are no longer even a little funny, the movie reviews are even more obtuse than I remember, and the one column labeled "humor" did not solicit so much as a grin.

This made me wonder if comedy is no longer funny because the world is in such a mess or because I am older and actively aging and what's funny about that? (FYI, nothing.) Added to that, political correctness has robbed us of some of the best material. This explains why new superstar comic Amy Schumer has risen to the top talking about anal sex, oral sex, in fact any old sex at all, stringing together dirty punchlines with words like shit, cunt, fuck, ass and pussy, ha ha ha. Give me Henny Youngman, the "King of the One-Liners" any day. Here are some of his old jokes:

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." 
"I'm sorry, he's on vacation." 
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." 
"He's on a big case, not available for a week." 
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." 
"He's playing golf today." 
"Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." 
"Speaking." 

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window."
"What good will that do?" asks the patient. 
The doctor says, "Nothing. I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

People ask me the secret of my long marriage. It's simple, I say. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him, "You're crazy." 
The man says, "I want a second opinion!" 
"Okay, you're ugly too!" 

Recently I read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading.

A bum on the street approached me and said, "Give me $10 till payday." 
I asked, "When's payday?" 
He said, "How should I know, you're the one who's working."

Those two are a fastidious couple -- she’s fast and he’s hideous.
 
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My doctor told me I'd live to be 60. 
I told him, "I already am 60!" 
"See," he said, "I was right."
  
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.