Who's Up for a Partial Lobotomy?

                                                Gordon Studer

I recently read that some scientists believe memory loss in older people is not due to naturally aging cells, but is really because our heads are crammed full of so much stuff by a certain age, we're simply out of storage space. This makes sense and is the main reason I have refused to learn the rules of football, never memorized all the states and their capitols, and flunked calculus. If this hypothesis is indeed true, the task at hand is to unload all useless information and thus be able to remember why you went into the kitchen, where you put your car keys or who just called. What would you lose?

I know right off the bat that my husband, who is forever forgetting where he left his reading glasses, could greatly benefit by dumping those inane TV sitcom jingles from his youth, which he has retained flawlessly, including the ones for "Flipper," "Mr. Ed," "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "Gilligan's Island." As for me, I am confident I will never again need to use any of the following:

The words to "Jabberwocky"
The details of the OJ trial
The Long Island Railroad stops between New York and Babylon (Just think what I could remember in place of "Rockville Centre, Freeport, Bellmore, Wantaugh, Seaford, Massapequa, Massapequa Park, Amityville, Copiague, Lyndenhurst and Babylon, all others change at Jamaica.")
All those piano lessons
The Pledge of Allegiance
My first marriage
The plot of "In Cold Blood"
General Burgoyne, "The Three-Pronged Attack," and Pocahontas
Certain scenes in "Silence of the Lambs"
That summer I went to day camp
The Holocaust
The lyrics to every Elvis song (except "Are You Lonesome Tonight?")
The recipes for Rice Krispy treats and Lipton's Onion Soup dip
My former home addresses and phone numbers