Biden Declares Run (with a little help)

"I'm announcing my candidacy* for president in 2024. While I may face some stiff competition, I believe my plan for the country is strong. America is facing troubled times. The country is divided and we must work together to overcome our differences and unite. I pledge to work hard to overcome our differences. Oh, I said that last time? Well it's even truer today.  

I believe we can succeed in fulfilling the dream of our Founding Fathers if we all unite and look past the issues that divide us and concentrate on the things we have in common: We all love ice cream, baseball and barbecue. Elect me again and I promise every American will have access to those things on an as-needed basis.

For millions and millions of Americans, the dream with which I grew up has been shattered. The ideal that if you work hard and play by the rules you'll be rewarded, you'll do a little better next year than you did last year, your kids will do better than you. But that idea has been devastated for millions of Americans. 

In my opinion, the root of these problems lies right here—in Washington, D.C.  Our nation’s capital has become the seat of a “buddy” system that functions for its own benefit—increasingly insensitive to the needs of the American worker who supports it with his taxes. It's those damn Republicans too.

All of us know what our challenges are today: a war with no end, a dependence on oil that threatens our future, schools where too many children aren't learning, and families struggling paycheck to paycheck despite working as hard as they can. We know the challenges. We've heard them. We've talked about them for years.

What's stopped us from meeting these challenges is the failure of leadership, the the ease with which we're distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, our preference for scoring cheap political points instead of rolling up our sleeves and building a working consensus to tackle the big problems of America. 

I have an image of America as fulfilling a noble and historic role as the defender of freedom in a time of maximum peril--and of the American people as confident, courageous and persevering. A vote for me is a vote for change. Oh right, I'm the president now. Well then, anyway, I'll be better next time, I promise."

* Apologies to Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, JFK and Nikki Haley for directly quoting pieces of their speeches declaring their candidacy for president.