For most of my adult years, since I've had the luxury of extra cash, I've tried to be charitable. Besides donating to worthy causes like disease research, sick children, abused pets and the victims of various natural disasters, I regularly give away gently used clothing to Goodwill and canned goods to school fundraising drives. I even still buy Girl Scout cookies, despite them tasting like hockey pucks. But I'm getting this close to going cold turkey on all charities if they won't LMTFA (Leave Me The Fuck Alone).
The worst offender is the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, or as it appears every single day on my telephone's caller ID, MSKCC. A research center in New York City with an outstanding reputation, we send them a decent-sized check annually, and sometimes more often depending on how many of our friends came down with cancer that year. But does that appease them? Guess not, since they keep wanting more.
Picture it: The phone rings. It's MSKCC calling. I never answer. They never leave a message. This charade has been going on for a couple of years. But today, stuck at home with a raging ice storm obliterating the outside world, I lost my mind and picked up the phone and asked the guy what the heck he wants. After telling me the call was being recorded for quality control purposes, he apologized after hearing my rant about how they call every day, saying that today was the first time that he personally ("Call me Stuart!") had ever phoned my home. He then said he was calling on behalf of MSKCC to thank me for my generosity.
I said, "Oh really, so you aren't calling to ask for more money?" His voice rising an octave, Stuart replied, "Oh dear Lord, no!" Instead he wanted to "offer me the opportunity" to become a member of their Monthly Giving Club!
Me: "So if I join, Memorial Sloan Kettering will start sending me money every month?"
Stuart: "No, it's actually a convenient way for you to give a regular amount each month and have it taken directly out of your bank account, saving you the trouble of writing us a check."
Me: "So you are calling to ask for more money after all."
Stuart: "I suppose that's one way to look at it."
Me: "What's another way?"
Stuart was quiet. I told him to tell those people who might eventually be listening in the interest of quality control that the more often they bother me the less money I will give. That, and Merry Christmas. Then I hung up. That should fix their wagon.
The worst offender is the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, or as it appears every single day on my telephone's caller ID, MSKCC. A research center in New York City with an outstanding reputation, we send them a decent-sized check annually, and sometimes more often depending on how many of our friends came down with cancer that year. But does that appease them? Guess not, since they keep wanting more.Picture it: The phone rings. It's MSKCC calling. I never answer. They never leave a message. This charade has been going on for a couple of years. But today, stuck at home with a raging ice storm obliterating the outside world, I lost my mind and picked up the phone and asked the guy what the heck he wants. After telling me the call was being recorded for quality control purposes, he apologized after hearing my rant about how they call every day, saying that today was the first time that he personally ("Call me Stuart!") had ever phoned my home. He then said he was calling on behalf of MSKCC to thank me for my generosity.
I said, "Oh really, so you aren't calling to ask for more money?" His voice rising an octave, Stuart replied, "Oh dear Lord, no!" Instead he wanted to "offer me the opportunity" to become a member of their Monthly Giving Club!
Me: "So if I join, Memorial Sloan Kettering will start sending me money every month?"
Stuart: "No, it's actually a convenient way for you to give a regular amount each month and have it taken directly out of your bank account, saving you the trouble of writing us a check."
Me: "So you are calling to ask for more money after all."
Stuart: "I suppose that's one way to look at it."
Me: "What's another way?"
Stuart was quiet. I told him to tell those people who might eventually be listening in the interest of quality control that the more often they bother me the less money I will give. That, and Merry Christmas. Then I hung up. That should fix their wagon.
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