A Calendar Just For You!

This is the closest I found when I Googled "worriers."

This time of year calendars are big business, with every drug store, supermarket, mall kiosk and museum shop shoving them in our faces. There’s an enormous array of choices to suit every personality type. I found insult calendars, Zen calendars, exercise calendars, joke-a-day calendars, golf calendars, art calendars, and everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-cats calendars. Mindfulness is huge this year, with calendars explaining how to be mindful every day, for the idiots among us who can’t figure that out themselves. There's a calendar for every special interest group except Women Who've Been Harassed by Harvey Weinstein, and that's likely coming soon.

There's seemingly something for everyone, but believe it or not, I couldn't find a Paranoid Hypochondriac's calendar which is what I was looking for. But of course they don’t have what I want, no, they just have what everyone else wants. Anyway, I think it would be perfect for today's paranoid lifestyles, what with random vans mowing into crowds on city streets and quiet loners nobody would suspect going on shooting rampages just because.

It’s certainly appropriate for many of my friends and family. Take, for example, my Aunt Pearl, who was what is commonly referred to as a "worrywart." (She worried most about her warts, which were numerous and unsightly.) Pearl refused to fly, certain it would lead to immediate death. Her reasoning, "I can understand if my number's up, but I shouldn't have to die when the pilot's number is up," was not without merit. Sadly, she died anyway without flying ever, just by continuing to breathe in and out daily until that didn’t work for her anymore. (She was in her eighties.)

For people like Aunt Pearl, I’ve been secretly working on my 2018 Calendar for Nervous Wrecks, surely an under served market. Besides a daily reminder in red ink to “Take your Valium” (or whatever you take), each month has its specific potential for disaster highlighted in bold type, (with an appropriate photo driving the point home), bringing it to one's attention in plenty of time to plan accordingly:

JANUARY: That pounding headache you think is a New Year's Eve hangover might be just that, but it also might be something far worse. The possibilities are endless, and none of them are pretty. Schedule an MRI just to be sure.

FEBRUARY: Could Valentine's Day be a plot hatched by the American Dental Association and the owners of all those dialysis centers? Don't be a pawn -- throw out all that chocolate your so-called “loved ones” gave you and brush your teeth, if you still have any. Also, schedule a doctor’s appointment to have your blood sugar checked.

MARCH: St. Paddy's Day always gets a little too festive, so steer clear of Irish pubs on the 17th. And forget drinking the green beer, God knows what’s in that stuff, certainly deadly chemicals could be involved. And of course everyone should beware the Ides of March, they are never good.

APRIL: With taxes due mid-month, lay in a supply of extra Lorazepam (or whatever you take). Be sure to mail your return in plenty of time, and don’t forget the stamp. Check that you have the right address. Don't get confused, like I did once, and mail the federal return to the state and the state to the federal. Plan wisely for Friday the 13^th.

MAY: If she is still alive, send your mother a Mother's Day card, or even call or text her if you can find the time in your busy schedule of binge-watching “Orange Is the New Black” or whatever is hot these days. Also, lay in a three-day supply of food for Memorial Day weekend. It’s a perfect time for a terrorist attack or a fatal car accident on the clogged roads, so just stay home and barbecue, although that is not without its dangers. Maybe just order take-out.

JUNE: Summer begins on the 20th, so cover up. With skin cancer on the rise, who better than you should get it? Remember, while melanoma is not always an immediate death sentence, it’s still pretty damn bad.

JULY: Fireworks can kill, not to mention take out an eye, so sit way in the back if you must attend a display, although we advise against it. Avoid pasta salad at all outdoor events; God knows how long it’s been sitting out. In fact, stay away from mayonnaise altogether in summer. Just avoid all picnics; better safe than sorry. Plan wisely for Friday the 13^th.

AUGUST: Live carefully this month, since all the good doctors are on vacation. Watch what you eat, get plenty of sleep, and avoid the ocean and all amusement parks.

SEPTEMBER: It's back-to-school time, so look sharp and keep an eye out for kids crossing the street while texting mindlessly, and of course traffic cops. One time my husband was doing 28 in a 15 mph school zone and he got a ticket for $610! (True story, but it was Vegas so what can you expect.)

OCTOBER: Book your hotel room well in advance for Halloween night to avoid being home when strangers come pounding on your door and you’re supposed to open it even though you have no idea who’s there. Sure, they look like kids, but they're in costume so what were you thinking?

NOVEMBER: Thanksgiving looms. Does the word "botulism" ring a bell? That stuffed turkey is an invitation to a stomach-pumping, not to mention bad karma in the next life. (Gobble, gobble, gobble, AAAACK!) Have a tofu burger and a nice dish of kale and bean sprouts instead. Remember: Holidays in the ER are even worse than on ordinary nights.

DECEMBER: Let's face it, the holidays are an accident waiting to happen: Piles of wrapping paper, Hanukkah candles, Christmas lights, a dry tree: do I really have to spell it out? And of course there’s New Year’s Eve, with the potential for death on the roads: It is a commonly known fact that there are more alcohol-related car accidents on New Year's Eve than most other nights. The number expected to be killed this New Year's is 156. Don’t be one of them. Just stay home, take your Xanax (or whatever you take) and go to bed early.