You're Never Alone with a Schizophrenic

As many of my friends know, I am a schizophrenic. We usually tell people we are a Gemini, but this is simply our way of being diplomatic. Okay, fine, I don't hear voices inside my head--except my own which I'm pretty sure is standard. And nobody is telling me to do weird things, except my other half. But I've had it, and she is in my sights--she's sure to take a shower sometime, in fact she loves those damn showers and stays in far too long, if you ask me. Then again, it's always something...

Take last night, for example, when she ate a huge bowl of Grape-Nuts with milk--two food groups I am specifically avoiding these days-- and I was not even the slightest bit hungry, and neither was she. It was just the old "filling a void with food" thing. Then about an hour later, she was angry and dumped out the almost-full box of perfectly good cereal that I like to keep in the house for my visiting son, or anyone who stays over for that matter. Or maybe I dumped it out, I'm not sure, but the fact is, it's gone today.

In retaliation, I then ate a bowl of ice cream. Of course, Miss Goody Two Shoes got hold of it and made me watch as she held almost a whole gallon of Edy's Grand Coffee Craze under the hot water faucet. And so then, in revenge, I ordered some won ton soup to go, with those crispy noodles she never lets me eat, and when the waitress brought out our order she told her that on second thought we didn't want the noodles after all! Grrrr--I hate her!

And it's not just about food either. Yesterday we went to vote in a local election, and she was planning to vote Yes on the school renovation thing, which was the politically correct way to go, certainly in our neighborhood. But when we got in there and I read the small print, I decided it is abhorrent to spend $18 million to renovate a suburban high school for snotty rich kids when starving orphans in Haiti are barefoot and the roads there are still littered with rubble from the 2010 earthquake. Instead we should send all that money to them! So I put a big X in the No box. (Too bad, so sad, Mitch.)

So you see, not only is having two of me a waste of money, it is also exhausting to be caught in the middle of this ongoing battle that has raged for many decades. Thus I have decided that one of them must go today--in fact, immediately. Here's how you can help: Be patient with her. Also, if you were one of her friends that was recently un-friended on Facebook, please forgive me, but I'm only keeping my friends. Eventually I will delete her account completely and just have one. That makes more sense, don't you think?