No Cake for Me, Thanks

I may get myself a few balloons later today...

Today is my birthday, and I plan on giving myself several gifts to celebrate being born in the first place all those years ago. (Not saying how many, but if you must know just Google me and you'll quickly learn that bit of personal information, along with my arrest record.) The first is to make sane food choices all day, aimed at being healthy and losing weight, right up until my husband takes me out to dinner at a great restaurant in downtown Portland where I will still be vigilant but will surely have a glass of wine--maybe two. After all, birthdays come but once a year and diets are forever. Another gift to myself will be completing the huge undertaking I began last week of painting our master bedroom. It's almost done, but there are still a few spots that need attention.

Painting a room is a great way to both feel productive and stay informed about diseases that could kill you. Naturally, in solitary confinement for five or six days--it's a big room, what can I say-- one turns on the TV from time to time when one gets tired of listening to music. Yes, that can happen, although not to some of the more self-righteous among us who never watch TV or never tire of music or never do their own painting, preferring instead to hire illegal aliens with families to feed who need the money. Whatever, I do and I did and I always do. I keep it on one station: Lifetime. This is where they have reruns of Frasier and Will & Grace, two sitcoms that are very funny with excellent writing and an outstanding supporting cast.  It's only good in the morning, so afternoons I switch to FOX News to hear the latest scandals spawned by the Obama administration.

After a week of this, here's what I've learned:
1. Mesothelioma is a terrible disease. Even though it affects your lungs, it's heart-breaking. If you or a loved one has been given the heartbreaking diagnosis of mesothelioma, caused by working with asbestos and you didn't even know it sometime in the past, you may be eligible for a huge settlement. Call the law offices of Joe Bornstein right away. Call 1-800-CALLJOE. Right now. Operators are standing by.

2. Another really bad thing that might have happened to you and which you might be able to get money for, or at the very least definitely hire a lawyer to try and get you some, involves vaginal mesh. If you or a loved one has been injured because of vaginal mesh, you should definitely mention this to Joe Bornstein. (1-800-CALLJOE)

3. The shingles virus is really painful and if you had chickenpox as a child and can remember the day Ricky Nelson died, you might already have it. One in three people will get it during your lifetime. It's incredibly painful, with terrible burning blisters. Call your doctor immediately even if you feel fine now.

4. Forget money: real gold and silver are the way to go. Governments print too much money, making it all but worthless, but gold never loses value, and either does silver although gold feels better to the touch, and that's certainly a plus. You can order some gold from a company named Roswell Capital, and they'll send it in less than 10 days. Then you can keep it in your safe, and forget about the stock market. You can rest easy when you've got gold. (Or silver.)

5. Jay Carney does not know anything about anything. Ask him anything, he doesn't know, but he'll find out and get back to you. (Considering his important job as the mouthpiece of the president, you'd think he would watch more TV.)