It's A Whole New Me!

Seems like I can hardly say anything without offending someone, and it's getting to the point where I think I should just stop talking. This has always been true but it's gotten worse living here in Maine, where one's real feelings are never welcome and certainly never solicited. So, like women who get bigger breasts or flatter tummies or tightened jawlines, I'm opting for some changes that will improve the quality of my life, but without the possibility of dying on the table, contracting sepsis or ending up looking like Joan Rivers.

Instead, I am considering having "trans-personality surgery," which is quite new and really still in the experimental stages. Still, it's less invasive than trans-gender surgery which is quite popular despite the bruising and need for a new wardrobe.

To start, I am legally changing my name to Missy. Who could be threatened by a Missy? Next I will adopt new attitudes, so that by New Year's Day it will be a whole new me. Some of the steps I will take include:

1. These offensive phrases will be stricken from my vocabulary: "That's crazy, you're a fool, I'm positive, what are you talking about, you can't be serious, did you even go to high school, I already knew that, don't be ridiculous, that's dumb, have you gained weight, I don't care, do what you want, you must be kidding, I don't eat that and I hate Obama." They will be replaced with, "That's a great idea, you are so smart, I have no idea, I know nothing, you are right, I'm a fool, you're the boss, I'm so fat, how did you get so thin, I'm jealous, how would I know, I love that about you, it is what it is, whatever you say and Mitt Romney is a lying piece of shit."

2. My assimilation of popular culture will begin with watching past seasons of "Mad Men," "The Wire," and "Breaking Bad." I will never miss "American Idol," "The Voice," "Dancing With the Stars," and "The X-Factor," and will text my vote for my favorite contestant just as soon as I learn how.

3. I am getting an iPhone 5, unless there is already an iPhone 6. I will fill it with apps and learn how to text.

4. I will gain no less than 25 pounds. This step seems like it will be fun, and so easy--Olive Garden, here I come!

5. I will join a book club and pretend to read only best-sellers, beginning with "The Life of Pi." (I think it's about baking, which should help with Step #4.)

6. I will find out who Snookie is and follow him or her closely. Ditto Taylor Swift.

7. I will begin each day by drinking a kale-whey smoothie, doing an hour of hot yoga and ending with 20 minutes of meditation, followed by a steaming chai tea latte and an egg-white, flax seed omelet.

8. I will double-down as often as possible, starting right now: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the Obamas, all of them, including that cute doggie.