Famous Nobodies

Does it ever seem to you that every other person is a "celebrity" you never heard of? Just logging on to the Internet to check my mail or post this blog, I often come across stories about someone unknown to me. Is it because I'm out of the loop, living up in Maine and not reading People magazine, or is it just that it takes almost nothing to become "famous" these days?

For example, this morning I read about a supposedly well-known "influencer" who jumped to her death. "The world mourns" this 30-year-old woman who was a former Miss USA. Really? Certainly it is sad that a young, beautiful woman committed suicide, but is the world really mourning her passing? (And BTW, I guess being famous doesn't make you happy.)

Another nobody posted pictures on Instagram showing off her recent weight loss. People commented offering their congratulations. I wanted to write, "Who are you and why would anyone care that you lost weight?" But I didn't -- mostly because I can't even lose five pounds as hard as I try, so I guess the woman is worthy of kudos. Still, I never heard of her, even when she was fat.

Film Review: SOME KIND OF HEAVEN

A belly dancing class in The Villages.

If you're a fan of documentaries you may enjoy Some Kind of Heaven. But there are no guarantees. The film, released in 2020, takes a close look at the world's largest retirement community called The Villages, located in Florida. It focuses on the lives of four specific residents, all of whom are extremely depressed. I'm sure there are some happier people living there, but they are not in this movie. (Spoiler alert: Make sure you're feeling good when you start watching, or you might end up swallowing a handful of sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka and ending it all before you ever get to the point these people are at.)

On the one hand, you'll get a good look at a retirement community, which is a whole other way of life and supposedly a good one as the title suggests. Shot in truly vibrant technicolor, the images fairly pop off the screen. People drive around town in golf carts, attend all kinds of classes and activities, play lots of golf and pickleball and do plenty of dancing on the village square seemingly every night. It's party, party, party all the time. On the other hand, just shoot me if I have to live there.

See for yourself. It's on Hulu.

Specious Spousal Behavior

What do you do when your spouse is embarrassing? I ask because this situation crops up fairly often in my life. I mean, does his questionable behavior reflect poorly on me? More to the point, should it? After all, I'm not his mother. Or even a blood relative, so basically it has nothing to do with me.

What I'm referring to at the moment is my husband's upcoming trip to northern Minnesota, planned for the middle of February when the temps are four degrees below on a regular basis. Unless they're three below.

Why would he go, you wonder. Well, to go ice-fishing. Which means, to sit on a frozen lake and dangle a fishing line into a hole in the ice, for hours on end. (See photo) 

The draw is drinking beer, if you ask me, and plenty of it, along with some other guys who are around, all of them talking "man talk." Oh, did I mention he first has to drive two hours to an airport, then fly for three and a half hours, spend the night in a hotel, then drive five hours (across the frozen landscape) to get to the little hole in the ice?

See what I mean? It's embarrassing. Especially since he doesn't fish.

The Bidens Ruin Another Life

Imagine being a cat living on a farm. It's Heaven! You get to chase little mousies, and whatever other critters are scurrying around in the barn. If you're really quick you might catch a few and kill them. What fun! And there are other, bigger animals around, like chickens and cows and horses and who knows what.

Then one day some fancy lady comes along and thinks you're pretty and suddenly your life is a living Hell. She kidnaps you and your life is over. No more fun for you -- you're stuck inside some sort of huge space that's pretty sterile, with not a mouse in sight. And now you have to take a crap in a box of pebbles instead of out in nature. 

There's just two old people rattling around, and a giant dog that scares the shit out of you. How did this happen? Is this a bad dream? Will you ever wake up?

This is the fate of the new White House cat, named Willow by Jill Biden (after her hometown, like the cat cares) who took a liking to it a while back and decided she had to have it. Now there's no more fresh air to breathe, grass to nibble on or butterflies to chase. Not even any little kids to play with! Just lots of silly plastic toys to bat around and some flashing lights once in awhile when the photographers are let inside.

Thanks a lot, Bidens!

Taking a Bullet

After 35 years of marriage I just found out that my husband doesn't really love me -- at least not in the way one hopes to be loved. I discovered this after a conversation with our son, who was questioning his own relationship with his live-in partner. I asked him if he loved her. He replied, "What's love anyway?" I said, "Would you take a bullet for her?" He said, "Take a bullet? No, I wouldn't take a bullet for anyone!" At which point I said, "I'd definitely take a bullet for Dad." 

I later repeated this conversation to my husband, who was appalled at the idea that he would be expected to take a bullet for me. Certainly it wasn't in our wedding vows, he reminded me, when he had balked at having to promise to be faithful. I said I'd gladly let him out of the faithful promise if he would agree to take a bullet for me.

Things are at a standstill.

Hot Chick Picks for the Supreme Court

These women are all under consideration. One of them isn't even a judge!

Hey, if we're going with "black woman" as the only necessary requirement to fill the seat of retiring Justice Breyer, why not make it someone good-looking? I mean is there an unwritten rule somewhere that the justices have to be, well, unattractive (except for Amy Barrett) to be considered thoughtful and wise enough to have the final say on the laws we all live by? After all, if you're sitting just one rung below God, you might as well be a stunner.  I'm praying that Biden might consider the highly accomplished women listed below. So what if they lack a ton of judicial experience? They're born females and they're black, and that's all Joe's looking for.

Halle Berry: She is the certainly the prettiest, no contest. Also, she won an Academy Award for Best Actress! Beat that if you can.

Oprah Winfrey: One of the the richest women in the world, a successful businesswoman, and quite attractive during her thinner periods, surely she's a great pick.

Rashida Jones: I loved her on The Office! What a riot, and also very pretty. Plus her dad is Quincy Jones, so she's probably got some great Hollywood connections.

Janet Jackson: This one would certainly appease the younger litigants trying cases before the Court. And for once she would be all covered up in one of those robes,  thus eliminating any "wardrobe malfunction" possibilities.

Harris Faulkner: A Fox News anchor, Harris is quite beautiful, very smart and although likely too conservative to pass muster with the Democrats, she's fair and balanced and very appealing.

Queen Latifah: Come on, this is a no-brainer! Who doesn't love and respect the Queen? She's classy, talented, funny and probably would be very fair since she was born and raised in New Jersey.

Biden Has a Thing for Black Women

The upcoming retirement of Supreme Court Justice Breyer has opened the door for President Biden to pick his successor. Gee, I wonder how he will go about it, since it's such an important position and there are so many qualified candidates working in our judicial system all over the country. Must be a tough job to narrow it down, right?

Wrong. Joe's all ready. He pledged a couple of years ago during the campaign that he would nominate a black woman for the highest court in the land, just like his VP was chosen for her gender and skin color. Either he's got a thing for black chicks or he believes that his legacy will burn brighter as an anti-racist. Either way, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. surely must be spinning in his grave.

Call Yourself an American!

Mitch McConnell, already despised by every Democrat without exception, raised the level of hatred last week when he said, “The concern is misplaced, because if you look at the statistics, African American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans.” 

This freaked out all the liberals. What was he saying? Was he inferring that black people are not true Americans? Was he demeaning every black person in America? Duh, no. He simply mistakenly omitted the word "all" in front of  the word "Americans." BFD. Get a life, people, there's nothing to see here. 

And a note to all African Americans: Why not just call yourself an American? Especially if you were born in Newark, New Jersey or Los Angeles, California and have never even been to Africa. What's the point? Should I call myself a Jewish American? Or more to the point, a Russian Polish American? 

All you little people busy sniffing out signs of racism: Give it a rest.

Stupid Sons of Bitches

By now most people have heard that Joe Biden was a bad boy at a press conference yesterday, calling a FOX news reporter who asked him a tough question "a stupid son of a bitch"-- under his breath but over a hot mic. Soon enough his comment was spreading around the world, alerting all people everywhere that America is still run by a jerk.

It goes hand in hand with so many other faux pas made by politicians of all stripes, none of which ever seem to bring them down. These days people can get away with almost anything and still collect a paycheck.

Lawyer Jeffrey Toobin masturbated on camera during a Zoom conference call with his colleagues at The New Yorker, and while I'm not sure the magazine has retained him on staff, he shows up many nights on CNN as a pundit who knows a lot of important stuff. Which is ridiculous, since he didn't know enough not to masturbate during a Zoom meeting, so what could he know about anything?

His actions remind one of New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, whose career crashed to a halt when it was learned that he had used his public Twitter account to send photos of his very own erect penis to several young women, ages 15 and 22. One photo showed him in bed with his infant son. (Oy, Anthony!)

Years ago, Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal spoke often about his experiences fighting in the Vietnam War. Turns out the closest he got to Vietnam was enjoying a bowl of pho in a Vietnamese restaurant. No biggie, he was re-elected anyway. After all, what's so bad about lying when you're a politician, right?

The list of Stupid Sons of Bitches in politics is long, headed of course by President Bill Clinton who did you-know-what to the blue dress in the Oval Office. And don't forget D.C.'s Mayor Marion Barry, caught on a live camera smoking crack with a prostitute in a hotel room while in office. After six months in prison he was re-elected by his loyal constituents, many of whom also smoked crack.   

Draw your own conclusions, but it seems to me that Biden's error was small-time when compared to all those others. I guess he'll be around for awhile.

Why Dogs Bark

Being a human these days is tough. Really, if I ever wrote what I really think about what's going on in our society right now, I would be arrested and jailed by day's end. So many rules! So many experts telling us what to do! So many genders from which to choose! And so many pronouns that were never before important but now matter so much to so many! 

One subject that blows my mind is the word games people play in service to political correctness. For example, and as I have mentioned in this space before as it continues to mystify me, it's okay to call a black woman "a woman of color" but racist to call that same woman "a colored woman." This got me wondering if I should be calling my colored pencils "pencils of color." Sounds silly, right? Right, since they both mean the same thing.

Another oddity is that many, many people are still wearing cloth face masks despite all the medical experts proclaiming they are nothing but "facial decoration"  and do nothing to stop the spread of COVID-19. Even Dr. Fauci, a mediocre expert at best but one with plenty of experience at the age of 80, admits that cloth masks are worthless. Yet people still wear them and are outraged by those who go maskless. 

It's possible these behavioral malapropisms are why dogs bark for no apparent reason. They're actually laughing -- at us. 

Happy Birthday to My BFF

I know she's reading this because, well, she reads this almost every day! (Now that's what I call a friend.) I won't name her because she probably wouldn't want me to. And besides, it allows me to praise her to the skies without her getting embarrassed and without anyone who disagrees with me writing a rude comment. 

Her long list of admirable qualities includes:

Kindness: Each morning she reads the entire daily metropolitan newspaper, word by word, to a friend who had a stroke several years ago and who can no longer read.

Adventuresome: She has climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, sailed (in a little boat, not an ocean liner) from California to Hawaii with a group of strangers after answering an ad seeking crew members, spent ten days in Haiti, and trapped hawks in remote areas of Utah for months at a time for the benefit of science.

Nurturing: Besides raising three children and currently participating in the daily care of her grandson, she nursed her husband back to health after he suffered a debilitating stroke several years ago. She makes a mean chicken matzoh ball soup.

Intelligent: She plays Bridge like a champ and belongs to a book club and actually reads the books. She played Wordle a few times but stopped because it was too easy and not a challenge.

Talented: She's an exceptionally great cook and extremely organized, preparing huge meals for as many as 20 people for all holidays. She also plans all the meals and buys all the food (with necessary condiments!) for about 10 (or more) people for a two-week long camping trip every summer in the Grand Tetons.

Loves Animals: She's had a long  parade of dogs and cats who, if they could talk, would say she's the best owner any pet could have. She paid many thousands of dollars for surgery when her daughter's miniature schnauzer was attacked by a bigger dog and had his side all but ripped open! She once called a pet psychic for help when her timid indoor cat accidentally got outside in a snowstorm, and she found him!

Funny: She cracks me up, and hardly anyone does.

So Happy Birthday to You-Know-Who-You-Are! And may you have many more and most important of all, outlive me!